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Short jokes


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#1
frantique

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Just to get it started here are a few:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home”. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome". "Is it common?", well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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#2
daniel_c

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In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called 'Nob'. - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car because it's too heavy.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Doctor, Doctor I�ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Teacher: Now children, if i saw a man beating a donkey and i stopped him, what virtue would i be showing?
Student: Brotherly love

Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

Mother : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !

TEACHER : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil : Life imprisonment !

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!

Edited by daniel_c, 20 June 2006 - 12:13 AM.

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#3
dsenette

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19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:whistling: :blink: :help: :) :woot: :woot: :woot: :yes:
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#4
SuicidED

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Being British



Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.



And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.



Oh and…..



Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance



Only in Britain…do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in Britain…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.



Only in Britain…do Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Only in Britain…do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.



Only in Britain…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.



Only in Britain…are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



Not to mention…



3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.



142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.



58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.



31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.



19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.



British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.



101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.



18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.



A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.



5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.



And finally……….



In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.



I am proud to be British
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#5
dsenette

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[quote name='http://www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com/question.html']
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
Why do they have ear piercing while you wait? Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
Why do we always want to grow up when we're young and be younger when we're old?
Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons?
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
Are unripened oranges called greens?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards?
Could your eyes be called an academy, because there are pupils there?
Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do penguins have knees?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? [/quote]
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#6
lewie

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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
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#7
daniel_c

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lol dsenette some of them were pretty funny
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#8
dsenette

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Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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#9
Sukkafish

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So two baby seals walk into a club...


xD
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#10
frantique

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Q. If you're an American in the Living Room, what are you in the Bathroom?
A. European.

Q. What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
A. Doug.

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
A. Dougless.

Q. What do you call a woman in the distance?
A. Dot.

Q. What do you call a man lying in leaves?
A. Russell.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter, he wont come anyway.

Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Eileen.

Q. What do you call a chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene.

Q. What do you call a woman who gambles?
A. Bette.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
A. Beethoven's last movement.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Fish.

Q. Why can't the Buddah vacuum in the corner?
A. Because he has no attachments.

Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Lets go ride bikes.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're a grasshopper! You know, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray?"
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#11
sarahw

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You forgot:
A man with no arms or legs in a pool?
Bob
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#12
dsenette

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a great one that is only funny to the person telling it (and sometimes not then..but i love messing with other people)

YOU: ask my if i'm a truck
THEM: are you a truck?
YOU: pffftt...no....weirdo


why don't airplanes have bumpers?
same reason bicycles don't have doors
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#13
Shock Box

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a great one that is only funny to the person telling it (and sometimes not then..but i love messing with other people)

YOU: ask my if i'm a truck
THEM: are you a truck?
YOU: pffftt...no....weirdo


why don't airplanes have bumpers?
same reason bicycles don't have doors

shock box = This is my joke to your list Q. where was the declaration of independence signed
A. At the bottom :blink: :whistling:

Edited by Shock Box, 26 July 2006 - 03:38 AM.

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#14
frantique

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Q. where was the declaration of independence signed
At the bottom

:whistling:


Did you hear about the pygmy?
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#15
Shock Box

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Hi frantique
No i did not hear the one about the pymgy


shock box
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