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Father's Day Golfing Jokes

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I was looking up golfing jokes to send in an email for my Dad for Father's Day, when I thought all you dad's out there might get a kick out of these as well. I had to omit some of the jokes that wouldn't be appropriate for this forum, but the one's left are the best of the bunch anyways. :whistling: Enjoy!

The Laws of Golf

*LAW 1*:* No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

*LAW 2*:* Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

*LAW 3*:* Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

*LAW 4*:* Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

*LAW 5*:* No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

*LAW 6*:* The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

*LAW 7*:* Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

*LAW 8*:* Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

*LAW 9*:* Palm trees eat golf balls.

*LAW 10*:* Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

*LAW 11*:* Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

*LAW 12*:* A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

*LAW 13*:* All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

*LAW 14*:* Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

*LAW 15*:* A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

*LAW 16*:* "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

*LAW 17*:* The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

*LAW 18*:* The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

*LAW 19*:* Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

*LAW 20*:* All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.


The Problems With Golf

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.


Slow Golfers Ahead Of Us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"


The Amazing Golf Ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."


True Confessions of a Golfer

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

Big Shooter Quotes

There are three ways to improve your golf game: Take lessons, practice constantly...or start cheating!

Forget about all those "How To.." books and videos. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!

The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.

Golf is not a matter of life and death. It's a lot more important than that.

Golf is a a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.

The number one thing about trouble is...don't get into more.

Golf is like any other sports competition. There's not a lot of point to it unless someone suffers. ...even, if it's you.

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name ... and they say golf is a quiet game.

Why is it that when you tell yourself, "don't hit it into the water," your body only seems to hear the word 'water'?"

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe.

A gimme is an agreement between two guys who can't putt.

Half of golf is fun. The other half is putting.

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt

If God didn't want man to have mulligans, balls wouldn't come
three to a sleeve.

All I've got against golf is that it takes you too far from the clubhouse.

Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inabilty to count past the number 5.

It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not
choosy about which fairway.

If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone
would play better.

The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway

And last but not least...........

*The True Rules of Golf *

1.) The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
2.) If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
3.) Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4.) When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5.) Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6.) No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
7.) Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8.) When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9.) Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
10.) If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
11.) The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
12.) The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
13.) If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
14.) It's not a gimme if you're still away.
15.) Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
16.) A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
17.) It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
18.) Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
19.) Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
20.) The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21.) There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
22.) You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
23.) Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24.) If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25.) To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
26.) There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
27.) Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
28.) You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29.) A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30.) If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
31.) If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32.) Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Edited by Fenor, 17 June 2006 - 10:45 PM.

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im not that stupid but i didnt get some of them. :whistling:
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im not that stupid but i didnt get some of them. :whistling:

Well if you're not a true golfer you won't get them all. :blink:
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Pi rules

Pi rules


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I'm not a golfer, but there are some in my family. Pretty good jokes! :whistling:
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27.) Hazards attract. Fairways repel.

If only it wern't true.......

i'm sending this to my dad and grandpa :whistling:

Edited by james_8970, 16 July 2006 - 02:19 PM.

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*LAW 3*:* Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Gosh, that's why I loose more golf balls in Holland than anywhere else I play.

Good post :whistling:.
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