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Joke of the Day


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#196
PastaBoy4

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from the West Indies and had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. On the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.
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#197
PastaBoy4

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[removed]

This is a family forum accessible by all -- please keep it clean.

If you wouldn't tell it to your mom, don't post it here.

Edited by admin, 14 September 2005 - 11:34 AM.

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#198
fleamailman

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I don't which you will largh at more, the joke or my spelling but here goes:

Husband arrives on the front door, hears panicking sounds form within the flat, uses keys and enters, see the bedroom in a mess and thinks his wife has been unfaithful, hears sounds of someone running down the stairs, goes to the kitchen, choses the first heavy object he can see, picks up the fridge, drops it on the man below but the effort of throwing the fridge out the window is too much and he dies of a heart attack. The next sceen, he is standing in the queue at the Perlly gates waiting to explain himself to St. Peter. First man: "Well I was so angry at my wife that when I head those footsteps, I picked up a fridge but the effort killed me.", second man "Well I was late for the bus and running out of the building this fridge fell on me". Third man: "Well I was just sitting in this fridge minding my own business so to speak.....
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#199
Armodeluxe

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Possible Out of Office Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on September 30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.
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#200
noahdfear

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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress --

sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans

and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit,

they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

The gorilla jumped on the bars, and holding on with

one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his

chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at

the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband,

noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He

suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some

more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited

making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and

the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at

him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he

started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his

wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in

with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

Then he said, "Now, tell him you have a headache."
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#201
noahdfear

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Too Late To Date

After the death of a never-married 94-year-old spinster, the rector was given a note from her personal belongings.
In the woman's handwriting were specific instructions for her funeral service. Along with the suggestions for Scripture readings and music were the following orders:
"There will be no male pallbearers. Since they wouldn't take me out when I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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#202
cleverboy12

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Ok heres a funny one,

A slasman knocks on someones door and asks if he wants to buy mouthwash for $200 then he says he must be joking. Then he offers it for $100 and again he dosnt want it. The slaesman then starts eating some cookies and asks if the man wants one for all the trouble he has caused him then he eats it and said it tastes like dirt then the salesman says it is dirt then asks him if he then wants the mouthwash.

:)

:tazz:
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#203
noahdfear

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THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the [bleep] was I thinking?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in [bleep] until I met you.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.


=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.


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#204
PastaBoy4

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers: This is the! end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers: Please scroll down.

























































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!



Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.



Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
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#205
HarryMay

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A foursome were out playing golf one day when one of 'em asked the other how he got out of his chores to play a round.+i told the missus I'd redo the kitchen next week.How 'bout you?"I said I'd paint the house next week.The third guy said they got off easy,he promised to have his mother in law stay over for a few weeks.Then they all looked at the fourth and asked how he got to come out and enjoy the day."well,he said,I set the alarm clock for five a.m. and when it goes off I say "honey,intercourse or golf course"?Don't forget your sweater she said.


Here's one my english wife loveswhat do you call a guy with a bunch of rabbits up his bum? Warren (arabbit hole is called a warren"

How do you save a drowning lawyer? Throw 'em a bowling ball.
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#206
davepig

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What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Bab-oon!!
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#207
davepig

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Two Elephants jump off a cliff.

Boom Boom
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#208
Excal

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Got this from another site I belong to:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


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#209
HarryMay

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from readers digest;Osama Bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted byG.Washington who slapped him around and said "how dare you try to destroy the country I helped build".Patrick henry then showed up and punched Osama in the nose.James Madison entered and kicked him in the shins.An angry T.Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with his cane.The thrashing continued as J.Randolph,J.Monroe and 66 other early Americans soundly put the boot to Osama.Suddenly as Osamal ay cowering an angel appeared before him.Angrily Osama said to the angel"this is not what you promised me."Come on,Osama the angel replied,I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven".
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#210
Emery Herman

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White horse fell in a mud puddle - my favorite!
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