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Joke of the Day


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#226
Dr. Gutstein

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The secret of my success...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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#227
flowergirl

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That was funny D.G., it gave me a 'chuckle'.


Three guys, stranded on a desert island,
find a magic lantern containing a genie,
who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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#228
Dr. Gutstein

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Joke of the year

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

:tazz: :) :woot:
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#229
HarryMay

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A 75 year old man goes to the dr. for a physical.The dr. checks him out and says he has the physical fitness of a 20 year old and asks "at what age did your father die"?He's not dead he's at a ballgame right now."wow,the doc. says and may I ask when your grandfather died?"He's not dead either the old man says,in fact he's getting married today.Again the doc says "wow and asks why a man of his age would want to get married so late in life?The ols man replies"He doesn't too....
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#230
flowergirl

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Dr. G....good one and HarryMay, is the
last sentence suppose to be "he doesn't want to, he HAS to"? :tazz:
My guess is the old grandpa got the girl pg.???
Go back and check...it might need a quick edit.





YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH



This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)















2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)















3. Add 5















4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
















5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 ....
If you haven't, add 1754.

















6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.















You should have a three digit number















The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).















The next two numbers are

















YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005)

Edited by flowergirl, 20 October 2005 - 06:43 AM.

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#231
Armodeluxe

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NJ EDITION OF WINDOWS XP

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW
JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.

It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"

My computer is called "My Computa"

The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"

Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"

Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"

Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

OK...........Sure ting

Cancel......Fugetaboutit

Reset........Start ova

Yes............Yeah

No..............Nah

Find............Put a contract out on

Browse........Get a looksee

Back...........U-Toin

Help...........Get your own ansa

Stop............Knock it off

Start............Move it

Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)
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#232
nav

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This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
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#233
jrom727

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just wanna share this small clip.

Who brought the nearsighted kid to the pool????
http://www.adammckee...ges/poolboy.gif



Ouch!

Edited by jdub86, 25 October 2005 - 07:05 PM.

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#234
andydf

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
:tazz: :)
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#235
HarryMay

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an irishman,an englishman and a scot walk into a bar.the bartender looks up and saysis this some kind of a joke?"

This guy is visiting a friend at an apt. bldg. when he decides to stick his hand out the window to see if the rain has stopped.To his surprise a false eye lands in his hand.Looking up he sees a pretty girl leaning out the window above him.Scuse me she says,would you mind running that up here for me .He knocks on her door and the woman invites him in for a drink.after a few drinks he gets up to go.but she says,don't leave right now,you can stay a bit,can't you?He asks her if she is this friendly with other guys.No,she says,only with guys who happen to catch my eye.
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#236
Dr. Gutstein

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Secret

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

:tazz: --

Dr. Gutstein

Edited by Dr. Gutstein, 31 October 2005 - 05:05 PM.

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#237
Dr. Gutstein

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Sorry
Double Post--

Dr. Gutstein

Edited by Dr. Gutstein, 31 October 2005 - 05:04 PM.

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#238
Major Payne

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Only Marylanders Would Understand....

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

Ron
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#239
Major Payne

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Nobody laughing at these any more? :tazz:
Anyone out there with a sense of humor? "Hello, World. Testing, testing...1, 2, 3, test. Anyone there?".

A Few Thoughts For Not Taking Life Too Seriously:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

AND THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST THESE DAYS - - -

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What happened?!"


Ron
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#240
dsenette

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hehe funny
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