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Joke of the Day


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#346
pharaoh

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Pirate Joke's

How did the pirate stop smoking?

He used the patchhh! ...Arrrrr

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?

it be with An arm and a leg! ...Arrrrr

What do you call a pirate that skips class?

Captain Hooky! ...Arrrrr


why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
because he left it off the hook! ...Arrrrr

How do pirates know when they are about to be attacked?
They watch Sea-span! ...Arrrrr

Why did the pirate get his phone cut off?

Argh! Cos' he be makin' too many plank calls!...Arrrrr

A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at a bar. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!" ...Arrrrr


Where do pirates eat fast food?

at .... Arrrbuckles.

First sailor: I know a pirate with a wooden leg named Smith!

Second sailor: What's the name of his other leg? ...Arrrrr


A pirate walks into a bar. It's a strange looking pirate. The bartender asks him,

"Hey, what's with the green skin and pointy ears?"

The pirate says...
"I be from MARRRRRRRRRRS!!"...Arrrrr


A pirate was standing on the crow's nest and then he slipped and fell. He fell through the first floor, then he fell through the second floor, then he fell through the third floor and hit the bottom floor of the ship!

The first mate comes up to him and asks "Are ye all right matey?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, yes... I've been through hardship before!"...Arrrrr


A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots."
Then the bartender says... "I was talking to the parrot!"...Arrrrr


:whistling: :blink: :help: :help:
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#347
dsenette

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i've posted these already...but if you wanna go the pirate route

why are pirates so angry?
they just AAARRRGGHHH!

what state is a pirate's favorite?
AAARRRGGHHH!-kansas

where do pirates put their deoderant?
their AAARRRGGHHH!-mpits
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#348
pharaoh

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Pirate Joke's "Long John Silver"

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?" The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder, and what if it falls off during the play?" The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible." The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"

"Oh, I can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."...Arrrrr

Captain Long John Silver

There once was an old pirate captain, Long John Silver and this captain Long John Silver had a son who had no ears. One day the pirate captain Long John Silver picked up some new crew members. As the new recruits got on board captain Long John Silver told them about his son, and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears. He said that if they offended his son by saying any thing about his ears they would have to walk the plank! The new pirates were naturally nervous about meeting this boy.

Well, after a while some of the pirates met the boy. The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring. The boy yelled "What are you looking at!?" Hurried to think of an excuse, the pirate said "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand, or you will have to wear a hook like me." "Thank you for the advice", said the boy.

Soon a second pirate encoutered the boy. When he stared at the boy the boy said "What are you looking at!?" "I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg, or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!" "Thank you for the advice," said the boy.

Later a third pirate encountered the boy and stared. When the boy said "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said "I was just admiring your eyes. You take care of your eyes or you will have to wear glasses like me... and you can't wear glasses, because you don't have any ears to hold them up!"...Arrrrr



So, there's this pirate ship in the midst of a long voyage. The men have grown terribly bored. A pirate amongst them happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and he decides to put on a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.

The pirate begins his first trick, and tha parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"

This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:

"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?"...Arrrrr

:whistling: :blink: :help: :help:
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#349
cheyenne 09

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Animal Joke's
Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."


Two Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat
asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."


A Day in the Jungle

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."


Rare birds

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."


Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."



Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.


Monkey Business

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,

"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you goober! Do you want to get us both fired?"


Space Monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."



Empty House

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one....

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...


A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."



:whistling: :blink: :help: :help: :) :) :) :) :)
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#350
Major Payne

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Hope this hasn't been posted before:

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... . Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


Ron
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#351
frantique

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A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him.

Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"

So the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?"

Flustered, the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"

So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane to Rome and Benny says, "Ok, now watch up there on that balcony - I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out.

Benny goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" The guys says, "No - somebody walked up behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"

Edited by frantique, 19 May 2007 - 04:24 AM.

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#352
keithr128

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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#353
keithr128

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Double post.

Edited by keithr128, 28 May 2007 - 12:58 PM.

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#354
deyan

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What did the cat say when she burned her tail?
"This is the end of me"
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#355
frantique

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A man was working in his back garden when a strangaer walked up the drive.
"I'm a student on semester break. Do you have any odd jobs you'd like me to do for you?"
"Yes, okay. You can paint the porch round the front. Come into the shed and I'll give you everything you need."
Less than half an hour later the student came round the back again.
"Are you finished already?"
"Yip. Only it wasn't a Porsche. It was a Mercedes."
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#356
sam milledge

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why did the chicken cross the road?


to get to the other side
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#357
zorba the geek

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Blondie phones her husband at work,crying her heart out.What's the matter honey he asks her,why are you crying?You know she reply's under tears,today at the shopping center they handed out promotial gifts and i got a nice puzzle with a rooster picture.BUT I CANT PUT IT TOGETHER,ALL THE PIECES LOOK THE SAME!By this time her crying is getting worse.So hubby tells her to calm down and when he comes home they will build it together.As soon he arrives home,his wife grabs him by the hand and leads him to the kitchentable where the puzzle is located.He looks at it for a while,turns around and says:Honey,let's put the Kellog's (Cornflakes) back in its box and we dont tell anyone we ever had a puzzle!
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#358
frantique

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "White Wings-Self Raising isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

Edited by frantique, 21 August 2007 - 06:25 PM.

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#359
zorba the geek

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A german,a chinaman and a greek were sitting in a bar,having a beer.You know,says the german while we're digging the foundation for the new soccerstadium,we've found wires dating back 200 years!That shows you that we've had telephone 200 years ago!Thats nothing replys the chinaman,during digging for the olympic stadium in peking we've came across wires dating back a 1000 years!Baa boasts the greek,when we exstended the undergroundsystem for the 2004 olympics we only found pottery dating back 2000 years!So,what are you trying to prove asks the german!?It proves,brags the greek,that we were using mobilephones 2000 years ago!!!

Edited by zorba the geek, 10 September 2007 - 01:19 PM.

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#360
Transience

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get the chinese newspaper.

Do you get it? (No)

Me either, I get the Boston Globe
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