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Joke of the Day


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#361
zorba the geek

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#362
frantique

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

Edited by frantique, 13 September 2007 - 05:13 AM.

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#363
zorba the geek

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:whistling: :blink: :help: Thats a good one frantique! Here is one for the sportfisher: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
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#364
zorba the geek

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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said. And, when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively. "Don't touch me!" he cried. "I'm on a disability pension."
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#365
Chopin

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They're funny and all, but quit with the blonde jokes :)
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#366
zorba the geek

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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#367
frantique

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Talking USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog for Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services - the United States Marines - you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"
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#368
zorba the geek

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The Unconcerned Widow

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
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#369
zorba the geek

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A Helicopter Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year.

Every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but the helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride in that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He even did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars.
Hi frantique,it looks like we are the only ones left with a sense of humor!Its your turn now
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#370
frantique

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Hi frantique,it looks like we are the only ones left with a sense of humor!Its your turn now


Zorba, look at the number of views - we're not the only ones with a sense of humour - we're just the only ones up on the stage! :)


Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help ?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush!
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#371
zorba the geek

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WIFE: I use your toothbrush!

Thanks for the tip,went to hide my toothbrush straight-away!!But anyway,when we fight my wife never gets hysterical she rather gets historical! Two Irish Engineers and a Blonde
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
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#372
warblade

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who will fall first a blonde or brunette

a brunette because a blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
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#373
Chopin

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Seriously, that's just mean.
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#374
zorba the geek

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Extracting Money
A dad takes his young son to a large shopping market. The son is holding a 50 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts coughing and going blue in the face.

The dad realizes his son has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of his goollies and begins to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy coughs up the coin, which the woman catches in her hand.

Releasing him, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he's sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anyone do that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," replies the woman, "I work for the Inland Revenue!"
:)
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#375
Troy

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What's the goollies?
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