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Joke of the Day


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#31
Resident_Blonde

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imabrickwall,

"You dont get this???"

It was 70 degrees today in San Diego, with a 75 degree wind chill factor



Basicly, it is a fault on the weather mans half.. :tazz:

Thats why bdlt placed his own "pun"

don't try to buy property here - the wind chill is awesome



And..... Major Payne,

;) No problem hun.... I love a good laugh... And glad to have helped along with yours...



;)
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#32
Resident_Blonde

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:tazz: :)

Hey all... This is an oldie, dont know how far its been... But still a funny ;)



According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators!



;)
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#33
groove18

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did you know that people say if you play a windows installation disc its meant to play the devils music....but it could be worse ....play it forward and it installs windows lol
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#34
Major Payne

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You must be a redneck if...

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead"

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
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#35
Major Payne

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So close to being true...

Microsoft Cars?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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#36
sean1234

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"Split Personality"

A man walked into a doctor's office for his monthly appointment. The doctor asked him how he was doing and the man told him that he was feeling very moody and odd at times. The doctor told the man he wanted to do a mental/psychiatric test on him. The man took the test and the doctor told the man that he had split personality. A few minutes later, the doctor told the man that he was to pay $82 for the test he was given as it was not covered by his health insurance. The man responded to the doctor handing him a check for $41 and told the doctor to ask the other guy to pay the rest.
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#37
Major Payne

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Notable Quotes :

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --- Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --- Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --- Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --- Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --- George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." --- Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h." --- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) :tazz:

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --- Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --- Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." --- Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p****, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --- Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." --- Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." --- Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." --- Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --- Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." ---George Burns
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#38
admin

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http://www.dilbert.c...31010050404.gif

I don't know why, but I thought this was funny :tazz:
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#39
Resident_Blonde

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Flower Show ;)


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore.

For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way
out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through
the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!.




:tazz:
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#40
Lusi

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:tazz: Resident Blonde...OMGosh, my cheeks hurt from laughing..that was too cute, will have to remember that one for work tomorrow. lol


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --- Lynn Lavner


AHEM, unless your a redneck country girl...then it would be an F250 Super Duty 4x4 with a 7.3 Turbo Diesel and 6sp tranny . heh heh ;)
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#41
Major Payne

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Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine. :

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine...got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

R.
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#42
Lusi

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Am married...and in the words of Larry The Cable Guy...that thar was funny, I don't care who ya are!
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#43
Resident_Blonde

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Well this explaines it all!

WHY DO MEN PEE STANDING UP?

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it. Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!


On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.

;)

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left. "What's it called?" asked Eve.




"Brains," said God. :tazz:
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#44
Major Payne

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Resident_Blonde...Thank you, thank you, thank you! I laughed so hard I about whizzed all over the place, too! :tazz:

Cowboy Boots
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month . .
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#45
Lusi

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:tazz: ;) ;) Good HEAVENS where do you two come up with these??? LOVED EM both! THank you!
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