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Joke of the Day


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#526
Chopin

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Two drunks are arguing in the street (after a few drinks). The first one said, "It's a gorgeous day. Just look at that sun!"
"That's not the sun, you moron, that's the moon!"
The argument turns into a brawl until they see a third drunk. The first drunk slurs, "Hey, bud. Can you tell us if that's the sun or the moon?" He points at the sky.
The third drunk says "I dunno, I'm not from around here."



Sally decided to move to Vancouver (the one in Canada). On her first day there, there was rain. On her second day there, it rained. And so the rain continued until she had been there two weeks. Finally, she'd had enough. She calls out to a little boy on the street: "Hey, do you know if it ever stops raining?" The boy replies, "How should I know? I'm only six!"
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#527
zorba the geek

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Fredil,the second one (rain in Vancouver) is the best,still bursting out laughing just thinking about it :)




Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
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#528
Chopin

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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"

The parrot replies, "In France. They have millions of them there."
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#529
frantique

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:) :)
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#530
zorba the geek

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Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."


Fredil:GREAT ONE :) :)

frantique:Hit me with a good one,i'm felling a bit morbid to-day :)
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#531
Chopin

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I liked your python too :)

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there as usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company.

It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.
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#532
zorba the geek

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:) :) :)


Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"




Fran,the writers strike is over,it is safe to post again :) :)
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#533
frantique

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Been a bit preoccupied lately ...

A guy took his new girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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#534
zorba the geek

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:) :) :)

Quote"Been a bit preoccupied lately ..."

But you havent lost your touch GREAT one
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#535
zorba the geek

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One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was
indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!" :)
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#536
frantique

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:) :)

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a
donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm
sorry, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "jus' give my money
back, yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it
already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him" "I'm gon-to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong!! You wait you an' you learn how smart we
Cajuns are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and
made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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#537
PsychPosse

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We knew it was going to happen, but we didn't know when. Here it is! Man's answer to Maxine.
Meet -------
MAX

Max.jpg

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------! ------- ---------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with: 'A man once told me.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure


-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's libido by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------



AND MAXINE SAYS.....



Maxine.jpg





My mother loves Maxine.
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#538
Troy

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The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!" :)

It's a good thing I didn't learn this one the hard way :)

Good one zorba :)
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#539
zorba the geek

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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's
his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked
the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,
and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the
butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,
"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get
at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before
tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."


Fran is taking "potshots"at dsenette :)


Troy,is there a"easy"way? :)
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#540
happyrock

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this would be really funny if it wasn't true
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