Joke of the Day
Posted 13 February 2008 - 03:43 PM
this would be really funny if it wasn't true
It really is really funny even though it is true.
Posted 13 February 2008 - 04:37 PM
This gender stuff needs to be evened out a bit:
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change: $20.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil i s now on
the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
oil spilled during any missed steps.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
(But you know the job was done right!)
Posted 13 February 2008 - 05:42 PM
Now at least my gender joke ended up acknowledging that men are full of it and happyrck's picture simply revealed the beautiful complexity of females.
If you weren't so complex, I would be bored (and maybe married)
Great one, I really got a kick out of #5
Posted 13 February 2008 - 07:06 PM
"Police stopped the energizer bunny for running through a red light but he took off on them and kept going and going until they finally stopped him again. Well, he took off again but knocked an officer down while he was going. Now they are charging him with Battery."
News Herald Today
Posted 14 February 2008 - 07:44 AM
It is all over the news here, I think Energizer might be in trouble."Police stopped the energizer bunny for running through a red light but he took off on them and kept going and going until they finally stopped him again. Well, he took off again but knocked an officer down while he was going. Now they are charging him with Battery."
News Herald Today
Posted 14 February 2008 - 02:31 PM
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple
of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came
upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the
two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a
tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both
hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more
of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "blasted,this one doesn't have any shoes
Edited by zorba the geek, 14 February 2008 - 02:33 PM.
Posted 14 February 2008 - 02:34 PM
a long flight.
The lawyer thinking that Louisiana Cajuns are so dumb
that he could get over on them easy... So the lawyer
asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game.
The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5.
You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500.
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the
lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.
He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the
Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart
friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He
wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500.
The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer, so he
wakes the Cajun Up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a
hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5
and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us Louisiana Cajuns....
Posted 20 February 2008 - 06:40 AM
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants
a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're kidding me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."
Posted 21 February 2008 - 11:06 AM
for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my
16.4?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't e," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Fran, nice one
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