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Joke of the Day


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#586
Chopin

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1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance, Police, or FDP.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!!

11. Only in America... does McDonalds post signs 8' up on their walls, saying that they have menus in Braille for the visually impaired!!

12. Only along the OHIO Turnpike at its service plaza's do they have "Handicap Parking" spaces for Semi Tractor-Trailers...
and they're 1/2 a mile away from the Plaza!
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#587
frantique

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"He named your daughter Denise."
"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"
"He named your son Denephew."


Oh, Fredil, I sat here saying "Denephew" over and over and putting it together with the surname and just didn't get it and then the penny dropped :) :) :) That is a really good one :)
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#588
zorba the geek

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Fredil,great joke :) :)




After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his
wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind
with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.
He had no sooner arrived at his own blind than he heard a shot coming from his
wife's direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He
immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in
front of his wife with his hands up shouting, "OK lady, it's your deer! Just let
me take the saddle off!"
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#589
Chopin

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The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element.
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration!

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons .
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#590
Chopin

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My Mother Taught Me…
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC: " Because I said so, that's why."

MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home"

RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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#591
frantique

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A specific colour haired woman said, "I was afraid my car mechanic might try to rip me off. I was SOOOOOO relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
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#592
TheQuickBrownFox

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I LOVE this one. ROFLMAO


3 February 1990, Washington

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree appeared to be the robber's first, due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms. A gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, covered by several customers who also drew their guns, thereby removing the confused criminal from the gene pool.

No one else was hurt.



HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!! :) My stomach hurts....
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#593
TheQuickBrownFox

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Mark and Jay decided to go hiking and enjoy the wonderful outdoors. It was getting late so they decided to make camp. Mark got some firewood and Jay setup the tent. After having dinner and a nice chat, they went to sleep. A few moments later, Jay woke up. He woke Mark from his sleep and asked him "Mark, look at the stars. What do they tell you?". Mark replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of stars and billions of galaxies. Astrologically, it tells me that that constellation is Leo. Religiously, it tells me that God is an almighty being and we are nothing but an insignificant speck compared to Him. Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow is going to be a fine day. What about you Jay? What do the stars tell you?". Then Jay shouted in disbelief, "Mark, you idiot! Someone stole our tent!"
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#594
TheQuickBrownFox

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9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Oh, wait till you get to the Philippines! :)

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!!

Oh wow.... I guess you've got vehicle manuals in braille too :)

Nice jokes! :)
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#595
Chopin

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Mark and Jay decided to go hiking and enjoy the wonderful outdoors. It was getting late so they decided to make camp. Mark got some firewood and Jay setup the tent. After having dinner and a nice chat, they went to sleep. A few moments later, Jay woke up. He woke Mark from his sleep and asked him "Mark, look at the stars. What do they tell you?". Mark replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of stars and billions of galaxies. Astrologically, it tells me that that constellation is Leo. Religiously, it tells me that God is an almighty being and we are nothing but an insignificant speck compared to Him. Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow is going to be a fine day. What about you Jay? What do the stars tell you?". Then Jay shouted in disbelief, "Mark, you idiot! Someone stole our tent!"

It's usually heard with Sherlock and Watson :)
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#596
TheQuickBrownFox

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Really? Well I just made up those names. I can't remember the actual names that the magazine used where I read it. :)
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#597
TheQuickBrownFox

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How do trees get in the internet?




They log in..... :)
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#598
HydraZulu

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As I lay in bed, staring up at the stars, I thought to myself: "Where the heck is the ceiling?".
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#599
Chopin

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I don't get it :)
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#600
HydraZulu

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Lying on your bed in your room, staring up at the stars, wondering why your roof is missing (therefor, you can see the stars). :S
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