[zorba the geek]

A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority

of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am

allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions

asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running

for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the

Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately

ran to the fence and shouted out.....

Your card! Show him your card!'

[Advertisements]

nice one

[BHowett]

nice one

[Troy]

Yeah... that definitely would have calmed the bull down...

[handbaggirl]

*** FROM A DOG’S DIARY ***

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE !
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE !
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!



*** FROM A CAT’S DIARY ***

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer …” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …

[handbaggirl]

that is so funny

[Mathax]

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- SCSI: System Can't See It
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- DEC: Do Expect Cuts
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- CA: Constant Acquisitions
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

[BHowett]

good one, but you left out PEBKAC

[jt1990]

Where the heck did you come up with those, 'thax?

[Rampag3]

Kkkk my turn...this is short & sweet but this actually happened while working at a Dell warehouse a couple of years back...I'll change the identities around as to not offend anyone.

There's this guy, we'll call him Steve, Steve was going around one day creating placards to place on about 15 dock doors. While a few of us were standing around talking he came up to talk to the team lead & he asks "Hey John I need to place these placards on the dock doors is there a tall ladder somewhere around here that I can use to put them up?

We all stared at each other for just a few seconds before we all started laughing our butts off, Steve just stands there with a perplexed look on his face trying to figure out what in the world was so funny.

After about a few minutes of laughter. The lead looked at us, looked back at him pointed at the dock doors & advised him that it would probably be easier for him to just lower the dock doors to place the placards. Steve turned to look at us, shrugged his shoulders & walked away.

To this day, I'm not sure what that boy was thinking but something must have had his brain occupied.

[handbaggirl]

this whole page had me.....

[zorba the geek]

Hi Rampag3,how small the world has become! I found "Steve's " cousin here in greece!
At one of the workshops I visit works a mechanic named "Ballerina" by his peers.When he works on a car,he either lifts it just enough so he can crawl under it, or lifts it so high that he has to stand on his toes (hence the nickname Ballerina)! As seen on the photo,instead of lowering the lift he stands on a wheel! He's been asked many times by staff and coustomers alike,why does'nt he adjust the hight of the lift? His answer is just a grumble


I'll try to catch a shot when he's working under the car

[Abydos]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more
special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the
jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so

I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[zorba the geek]

[BHowett]

how about a little cop humor....

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[zorba the geek]

HeHeHeHe BHowett,nice one

Edited by zorba the geek, 08 February 2009 - 03:40 PM.