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Joke of the Day


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#736
BHowett

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:)
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#737
zorba the geek

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Door to Door
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks. A lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”.
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#738
Onaipian

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:) vacuum salesman!! :)
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#739
BHowett

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“We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”.


HA HA thats a good one :)
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#740
zorba the geek

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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."
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#741
BHowett

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:)
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#742
BHowett

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


:)
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#743
BHowett

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just something to ponder.....

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.
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#744
BHowett

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A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

:)
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#745
Abydos

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:)


A woman enters a bus with her baby on the arm.
The bus-driver stares long at the baby, and then

says;"Holy cow, what an ugly baby!" Of course
this doesn't suit the woman well, and she is steaming

as she sits down in the back of the bus. She turns to
the passenger next to her and says; "That bus-driver

have just offended me, this will not do!" The passenger
turns to her "Then go up and give him a good yell,

I'll hold your monkey in the meantime"

:) (Dsenette? :) )
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#746
BHowett

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Dsenette is a little to big to be held in someones lap :)
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#747
Elliot

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Three elderly men are walking down the hall of their nursing home discussing life.

First man: "Oh boy, have I got prostrate problems! If I could just empty my bladder one time, I'd be the happiest man alive!"

Second man: "I hear ya! I am so constipated! If I could just have one good bowel movement, I'd be the happiest man alive!"

Third man: "Not me. I don't have any issues with my prostrate. Never constipated either. In fact, every morning at 7:00 sharp I empty my bladder completely, followed immediately by a healthy, full bowel movement. Nope... my problem is... I don't wake up until 7:05!"

Elster :)
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#748
S.O.A.D.A.

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'Ello : )

Quite a few good ones here. Haven't had such a good laugh in a long time.
My wetware needs a good defrag, but still, I've managed to scavenge this:

The three signs of old age are:

1) Agnosticism
2) Dyslexia
3) Insomnia

Which are usually manifested when you lie awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

================================================================

How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it's gonna take a long time, and the bulb has to really WANT to change.

================================================================

A horse walks into a pub, approaches the bar.
-Can you gimme a beer, please?"
The bar tender looks at him, dubiously.
-Would you like a straw with it?
-Oh yeah, lots of straw!

================================================================

They held a Political Jokes contest in Russia, right before the last elections.
First prize: ten years.


SOADA
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#749
S.O.A.D.A.

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This is probably as old as Methuselah, but I did a search and couldn't find it, so:

M$ Japan decided to spice-up the dull Windows error messages by writing them in Haiku style.
Some examples:

Chaos reins within.
Reflect, repent and reboot -
Order shall return.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence -
"My Novel" not found.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask for too much.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

: )

SOADA
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#750
S.O.A.D.A.

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A man is working on his car in the garage, when his six year old son bursts in, out of breath, and says:

"Daddy, what is sex?"

The father is a little surprised by this, but thinks that, if the subject has been brought up, he'd do better to give his son an honest, informative answer.

So, he begins with the birds and the bees, then, seeing the look of perplexity growing on his son's face he decides to proceed, hoping it would make things a little bit more clear. So he explains about the difference between men and women, the changes he may expect his body will be going through in adolescence, love, courtship, venereal disease, he explains the importance of being careful, and the various contraceptive devices and drugs available, including the pros and the cons for using each one of them. He touches briefly on the subject of paternity lawsuits and explains, briefly, about conception, pregnancy and birth.

By this time his son's face is the epitome of shock and disbelief, so his father asks:

"Why did you want to know all that?"

"Mother said to tell you that dinner will be ready in a few secs....."

:)
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