[rattlenhum]

Where does the general keep his armies?





Up his sleevies!!!

[Advertisements]

old one, but always funny

[BHowett]

old one, but always funny

[DragonMaster Jay]

You call that funny...yeah right

[crooz]

Okay then. Where does an ADMIRAL keep his navies?

[crooz]

Don't answer that. I only have a lame reply.

Let's start over, anyone have a REALLY good joke?

[Chopin]

He probably keeps his knaves in the jail or something.

I don't have any good jokes. Anyone else want to go?

[S.O.A.D.A.]

I'll replace the previous, slightly rude joke with another:

A programmer's young son asks his father:
"Dad, why does the sun rise every morning and set every evening?"
"Is it working?" says his father.
"Well, yes....." replies the boy, a little confused.
"Then just leave it alone!"

Edited by S.O.A.D.A., 31 May 2009 - 06:19 AM.

[S.O.A.D.A.]

The next one requires some understanding of post-soviet folklore: "New Russians" are people (or more accurately - not too bright mugs) who have made it under the new quasi-capitalist regime. They are usually very affluent and they just love flaunting their riches about (like nouveau riches with all the negative connotations this term implies).

So, a new Russian is driving in his flashy new Beamer down the highway when a big semi-trailer suddenly cuts him off. He narrowly escapes a serious accident, but he loses his bumper and one headlight, not to mention the damage to the body-work. Now he is furious, honking his horn at the lorry driver, making angry faces and waving his fist. The semi-trailer slows down and stops. Out comes a big guy in a tailored black suit - at this point the guy in the Beamer begins reaching for his sidearm, anticipating trouble. But the guy in the tailored suit smiles and waves merrily, so the New Russian relaxes and steps out of his car.

"Hello!" says the lorry driver, "terribly sorry about that, didn't see you there".

He proceeds to open the trailer, and the other guy's mouth just drops open - it is full of money. Huge stacks of it, laid out neatly, filling the entire trailer.

"Let's see", says the lorry driver, "for the damage" - he takes two huge handfuls of $100 bill bundles and hands them to our guy. "Now, look, I know I've caused you some alarm and some grief" he hands him a few more bundles, "and I'd appreciate it if you didn't make a fuss about it" - still more money.... "and, so that we part as friends, lemme give you some more, oh, and take this too - buy a few bottles of good vodka and drink to my health with your friends".

The other guy just stands there, hugging a huge pile of cash that can probably buy him several cars like the one he's been driving in, eyes wide open, mouth trembling.

"Who are you?" he asks with deep reverence.

"Me? I'm a new Russian!"

The beamer driver slaps his chest with one hand, letting the money drop to the ground and exclaims:

"Then what am I???"

Edited by S.O.A.D.A., 31 May 2009 - 06:07 AM.

[Jscyphers]

This is one of those jokes that best when heard out loud.


So this Big Bald Brown Bear walks in to a bar in Boise to buy a bottle of booze.

But the bartender says “hey we don’t serve Big Bald Brown Bears bottles of booze in bars in Boise.”

So the Big Bald Brown Bear says to the bartender “If you do not serve me a bottle of booze I am going to start eating up you customers.”

The bartender says to the Big Bald Brown Bear “Hey buddy I told you once and now I am telling you twice, we don’t serve Big Bald Brown Bears bottles of booze in bars in Boise.”

So the Big Bald Brown Bear eats up the chick setting next to him and says to the bartender, “see I told you I would start eating your customers.”

The bartender says to the Big Bald Brown Bear “Hey buddy I told you once, told you twice and now I am telling you a third time, we don’t serve Big Bald Brown Bears bottles of booze in bars in Boise, but it should not be a problem because you will be getting very sleepy very soon!”

“Now why would I be getting sleepy?” the Big Bald Brown Bear asked the bartender.

The bartender replied, “Because that was a barbiturate.”

Edited by Jscyphers, 31 May 2009 - 08:39 AM.

[Chirag64]

Removed - as this is a family friendly site, please keep that in mind when posting

Edited by BHowett, 07 June 2009 - 08:28 AM.

[Chopin]

Stupid People Awards

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

[Chirag64]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

[Chopin]

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 0.999999….

[Chopin]

Open up a Command Prompt window, paste the following line, and press Enter:

net helpmsg 4006

Gotta love Windows

[Troy]

Is that for real?