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Joke of the Day


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#811
TheWhiteRose000

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The Navy Chief and his Parrot


The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took
with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all
hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”



LOL

XD
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#812
zorba the geek

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House Rules for Dogs and Cats. Post them where they can be read by your pets.
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.
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#813
BHowett

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For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.


:)

that was a good one
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#814
BHowett

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Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:


  • "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
  • "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
  • "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
  • "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
  • "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
  • "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
  • "Actually I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
  • "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
  • "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
  • "The coffee machine is broke...."
  • "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
  • "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
  • "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
  • "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."
  • And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen."

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#815
Chopin

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"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."

:) :) :)

Edited by Chopin, 17 September 2009 - 09:25 AM.

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#816
Chopin

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On the first day God created the cow. God said,
"You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.
I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.


On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).


On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, Okay God agreed.


On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years?" No way man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."



So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained.
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#817
zorba the geek

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Chopin,that's not a joke! It's the awfull truth :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Btw:at the moment i'm doing the "monkeys' 10yrs.My "dogyears'are not far off :)

Great explaination
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#818
zorba the geek

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A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''
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#819
Chopin

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This one was really too true for me to resist posting it...

A teenage boy walks into the kitchen while his mom is making dinner.

“Mom, can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure, honey. What is it?”
“I’ve noticed that you guys never really pay attention to me when I talk anymore.”
“Well, whatever would make you think that?”
“Maybe it’s the fact that we’ve had this exact same conversation six times in the past three days.”


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#820
olla86

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Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...
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#821
zorba the geek

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Boudreaux at the hunting camp with 3 buddies, drinking beer and playing bouree. We'll call them: Thibodeaux, Gauthreaux, and Fontenot. "Boudreaux ", says Fontenot, "You coming hunt them bear with us in the morn?" Boudreaux , the excellent hunter that he is, says," Non, I think I'll go alone; I hunt better that way". So, in the morning when everyone else woke to go on the hunt, there was ole Boudreaux , returning from his hunt with a big black bear. There was only ONE bullet hole on the bear, right between the eyes. "WoW, you are a good shot", says Thibodeaux, who is leaving to go hunting. "Yep, one shot - that's all it took"says Boudreaux ,"I told you!" Well, they came back later that day without a single bear. That night, the same routine; beer and bouree. Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux if he'll go on the hunt with them in the morn. Again, Boudreaux says "No, I hunt better alone." So, in the morn all 3 guys are leaving for the hunt when Boudreaux is returning with a bear. Again, only ONE bullet hole between the eyes. Gauthreaux, not believing what he's seeing, exclaims "Boudreaux , how you do it with one shot? You can't be that good, huh?" Well, the same thing happens later that day; they return without a single bear. The next morning Boudreaux returns with a bear as the other 3 are leaving for their hunt. But, this time, there were 3 bullet holes on the bear; one in between the eyes, one in the left paw, and one in the right paw. Gauthreaux , seeing the three bullet holes,exclaims, "Uh huh, I knew you couldn't do it three times in a row with one bullet; I knew you wasn't that good!!" Boudreaux , remaining calm, says "No man, all it took was one shot - that's it!! You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up like that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light , he put both his hands over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot."

Edited by zorba the geek, 01 October 2009 - 02:19 PM.

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#822
zorba the geek

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Papas Pride & Joy


Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."
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#823
Chopin

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:) Zorba, that's horrible!
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#824
Chopin

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Posted Image
:)

Things like that, I always want to do but am never brave enough to, in fear that it would ruin my perfect grades.
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#825
TheWhiteRose000

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I would totally do that just for the laugh.
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