[Alzeimer]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane
who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Advertisements]

In the drive-through at McDonald's, if the girl says, "Sorry about the wait", the correct response is "Nah, it looks good on you."

[Cold Titanium]

In the drive-through at McDonald's, if the girl says, "Sorry about the wait", the correct response is "Nah, it looks good on you."

[Alzeimer]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a [bleep]?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[Troy]

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Mine actually does!

[MS-Free]

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

[zxxxxw1]

cool....that is to funny... lol

Edited by zxxxxw1, 26 April 2010 - 04:18 AM.

[MS-Free]

Someones going to like this one... Probably a Programmer.

The Game

An Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy
and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Edit: Posted during Forum backup - Whoops. Someone will take care of that hopefully.

Edited by MS-Free, 27 April 2010 - 01:15 AM.

[zorba the geek]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

Dr. Phil was right...you have no idea how I feel right now!

[Tigereye]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, a water fairy appeared and asked, "My dear, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The water fairy put her hand into the water, and pulled out a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the fairy asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The water fairy again dipped her hand into the river. She held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the fairy asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The water fairy reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the fairy asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The water fairy was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the water fairy again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh dear, my husband has fallen into the river!" the seamstress cried out.

The water fairy went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your husband?" the fairy asked the seamstress.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The water fairy was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, please. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

"Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the water fairy let her keep him.


The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women.

[MS-Free]

Okay...personally I find this one rather mundane... but I have to do it for all the Malware staff and GeekU students...


Computer viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Monica Lewinsky virus Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tim Allen virus Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michaels virus Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus Only attacks minor files.
X-files virus All your Icons start shapeshifting.
Spice Girl virus Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Sony Bono virus Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
Martha Stewart virus Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB.
AT&T virus Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
Viagra virus Expands your hard drive, while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.
Politically correct virus Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Pro-life virus Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
Texas virus Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Nike virus Just does it.
Star treck virus Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health care virus Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Use your virus scan, don/t let any of these viruses infect your PC!

Note to Admins: I post this in it's entirety hoping I can get away with it... If not, feel free to remove those that "cross the line"

[bilas]

Computer Helpline


Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry ........
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

Edited by sari, 11 May 2010 - 08:02 PM.
Deleted spammy link

[Peptobismol165]

So two Atoms walk into a bar. One atom says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom asks, "Are you sure?" To which the Atom replies, "I'm positive!"

[crooz]

What do you get when you cut twelve bra's in half?

Twenty four yarmulkes with chin straps.

[Alzeimer]

Mothers Advice they Pass on to their Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[Troy]

Geez is that sexist or what?