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Joke of the Day


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#871
Alzeimer

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Some for the other shoe

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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#872
zorba the geek

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes. :)
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#873
DonnaB

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His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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#874
crooz

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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here." (ouch!!!)


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#875
Magnificent Exploding Head

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A woman went to Wal-mart to by a fishing rod for her husband's birthday.

She didn't really know much about fishing rods so she picked one randomly from the rack & took it to the sales clerk, who was wearing dark glasses.
"Excuse me" she said "I don't know much about fishing, could you tell me about this rod please?"
The clerk replied "I would be happy to, ma'am. I am blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it by the sound it makes."
The woman was a bit doubtful, but dropped the rod on the counter anyway.
"That's a 7-foot Zebtech 539 rod with a spin-casting reel & 20lb test line." said the clerk "It's an excellent rod for Bass & Striper, and it's on sale for $30.00 today."
"Oh, that's perfect!" exclaimed the woman "My husband loves Bass fishing, I'll buy it!"
As the clerk turned to ring up the purchase the woman farted loudly. At first she was embarassed, but then she thought to herself "Since the clerk is blind he doesn't know that I'm the only person here. He might think it was someone else."
The clerk finished and said to the woman "That'll be $35.50, ma'am."
The woman replied "But I thought you said it was $30.00."
"Yes, ma'am" the clerk explained "$30.00 for the rod & reel, plus $3.00 for the duck call, and $ 2.50 for the stink-bait."
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#876
DonnaB

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CURTAIN RODS --- This is PRICELESS!!!

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water. When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

:)

Edited by DonnaB, 21 August 2010 - 09:41 PM.

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#877
DonnaB

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sick leave:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was ”CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"


(Are you ready for this?)








She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
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#878
Magnificent Exploding Head

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Heh-heh-heh...classic. :) :)
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#879
DonnaB

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A senior citizen in Texas drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-40, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

***********************************************

Yeah, yeah! I know! I should be researching!! Back to the corridors of learning she goes! :)
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#880
DonnaB

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A young man had just gotten his first apartment and was excited about it. After a night out with his buddies he brought them to his new apartment to show them. “I even have a talking clock,” the young man bragged. “What? A talking clock? What do you mean?” They asked. While showing off the living room the guests noticed a large gong in the corner. “What the heck is that?” One of them asked. “That’s the talking clock I was telling you about”, he answers with a smile. He picked up a large mallet and aimed it at the gong. He pulled back and hit it with some force making a booming sound throughout the apartment. His buddies just looked at each other like he was crazy. Suddenly, a voice came from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off it’s 4 in the morning!”
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#881
Dark Player

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A man was talking to an annoying guy.

Man - Hey guess what?
Guy - What?
Man - Shut up.
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#882
MS-Free

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Knew there had to be a site for these somewhere...
----------

A real Card

Hello tech support.

Hello there young man. I'm having a problem with a computer I bought from you.

What sort of problem is it ma'am?

It's frozen.or locked up.or whatever they call it.

Were you running a particular program when it happened?

I was playing solitaire. And now when I click on the card with the circle in it, nothing happens.

Does the arrow on the screen still move when you move your mouse?

Let me see..yes it does.

Then I think the game of solitaire was over, there were no more cards.

Oh no! And I was doing so well!


(from: techtales.com) - still looking for a better site.
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#883
frantique

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Heard a rumour that You Tube, Twitter and Faceabook are going to amalgamate ..... they're planning on calling the new site "You Twit Face"!
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#884
DonnaB

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The Power of a Badge......

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely and Re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field. "See this badge? The officer shouts again. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, anywhere. No questions asked. Now Have I made myself clear? Do You Understand?" The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your BADGE, Show him your Almighty BADGE !!!!"
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#885
Charmz

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This is really funny! :D
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