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Joke of the Day


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#991
Jasmyne

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer completely messed up now."
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#992
vistasucks

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a bloke has been driving around london for 2 hours, trying to find a parking space..finally, in pure exasperation, he looks to the sky and says " god...if you can show me somewhere to park then i will go to church every sunday for the rest of my life, and i'll give up drinking whiskey"
right at that moment a parkng space miraculously opens up
blokey looks up to the sky again " never mind....found one"
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#993
heyface

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I just have to send that to my brother in law........His name is Matt
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#994
DonnaB

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If you're playing scrabble and you can't use your vowels, does that mean that you are consonated??? :confused:
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#995
Wolfeymole

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Good one pet. :lol:
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#996
Alzeimer

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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#997
BHowett

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yeah its all down hill after that :)
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#998
zorba the geek

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Hi BHowett,great to see you!

Kid's
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear. :whistling:
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#999
JHONYY

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A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."
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#1000
BHowett

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I've been there a few times, with out the wheelchair!!
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#1001
DonnaB

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:lol: :lol: :lol:

I've been there a few times, with out the wheelchair!!


Oh my gosh! Flashback!

A few years ago, my bff and I were out drinking and ran into a fella we hadn't seen since highschool. This fella was plastered to the point he could not walk, kept falling off his barstool, etc., etc.

Being the good Samaritans that we are, we volunteered to drive him home and the bartender/owner gave us his address and helped get him in the car.

We dragged the 6ft+ fella to the door, rang the bell and the first thing his wife said when she answered the door was, "Where the "bleep" is his wheel chair?!?!"

:o :rolleyes:
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#1002
BHowett

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wow really :lol:
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#1003
DonnaB

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BHowett. I kid you not!!! :lol:


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Edited by DonnaB, 12 July 2013 - 04:34 PM.

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#1004
BHowett

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Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
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#1005
Alzeimer

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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your [bleep]."
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