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Joke of the Day


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#1081
zorba the geek

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There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?" The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought. Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check." After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies, "Same as his driving." "That good, huh?" "No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

 

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#1082
Geek8453

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Some funny stuff here

 

I am more annoyed than a dragon trying to blow out candles.


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#1083
John Bull

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Two gay  cowboys - one said YUP and the other said YEP.

 

Two old maids on a beach and a streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

 

Quasimodo being chased by a crowd of kids and yelling -
'Bugger off, I have`nt got your football'

 

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy Rottweiler.
 
News Flash ! A boatload of Vi-ag-ra went down in Loch Ness — and the 
monster came up.
 
The Town Mayor visited an old folks home recently and met an old lady on the stairs. He said to her, " Hello, how are you my dear ? Do you know who I am ?" and she replied: "No, but if you ask matron, she'll tell you."
 

 


Edited by John Bull, 23 June 2014 - 01:47 PM.

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#1084
jaco1

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A copper stops a woman for speeding and asks for license and registration. she says she does not have any of that and that she also has a fully loaded gun in the boot. He says don't move why I call for backup. So he calls for backup and explains the situation. Backup arrives and the woman then gives the other officer her license and registration. And the officer finds nothing in the boot. Then she points at the other officer and says "I bet he's lied about me speeding too!"


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#1085
DonnaB

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Lifeguard with a sense of humor

http://www.dailymoti...se-of-humor_fun


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#1086
DonnaB

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Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.




mouseinprinter.jpg
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#1087
DonnaB

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Guy revving his car

:happy:
 


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#1088
devandkumar11

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:spoton: :spoton: :spoton: :spoton: :spoton: :spoton: :spoton:


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#1089
kevin83

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A guy goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asks the guy for the bravest act in his life. The guy tells him: "Well, I spotted a group of guys messing with a girl and I asked them to stop it. When they laughed at me, I picked the biggest one of them, pushed him to the ground and yelled at him to stop." 
Saint Peter was visibly impressed. He asked: "Wow, when did you do that?"
The guy says: "About 2 minutes ago!"


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#1090
Plastic Nev

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Two old guys were reminiscing about the good old days when a single penny could buy a few things, and one oldster says, I remember my mother sent me down the street to the shops with her biggest shopping bag and two shillings. (Two shillings was old UK money, worth ten new pence now)

I came home with five pounds of potatoes, ten very large carrots, two loaves of bread, four packets of cigarettes for my mum, two packets of pipe tobacco for my dad, a bottle of wine to go with dinner and a big bag of toffee or candy for myself.

 

You can't do that these days, there are too many of those security camera's around now.


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#1091
Syncmaster75

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There are only 10 kinds of people in the world...

 

Those that understand binary, and those that dont!


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#1092
Plastic Nev

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It is the start of the winter period in the northern hemisphere with Christmas not much more than a few weeks away, so if you are starting to feel cold, it is advised that you sit in the corner.

It is 90 degrees.

 

I suppose that is acute joke.


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#1093
DonnaB

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Three Microsoft engineers and three Linux engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Linux engineers notice that the Microsoft engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Linux engineers ask the Microsoft engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. "Watch and learn," one of the Microsoft engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Microsoft engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says "ticket please!" The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Linux engineers are impressed, and decide that's what they will do on the trip back.

Then on the return trip, the Linux engineers notice that the Microsoft engineers haven't bought any tickets. "How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?" they ask. "Watch and learn," one of the Microsoft engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Linux engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Microsoft engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please!"
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#1094
terry1966

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:rofl:

 

was still funny even tho you managed to get the linux and m$ engineers the wrong way around in the joke. :P

 

:popcorn:


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#1095
Plastic Nev

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There was a quiet little pub somewhere in southern Ireland, when a party of Americans walked in. The leader of the group said, "You Irish are known to be heavy drinkers, so I want to make a wager that no one can drink thirty pints of Guinness in thirty minutes, I will pay ten thousand Euro's to anyone who can"
No one took him on, however little Shaun was seen to sneak out the back of the pub.
Forty minutes later, Shaun came back in through the front door and went straight to the American and asked if the bet was still on, The American said "yes it sure is", so thirty pints were pulled and lined up on the bar. Exactly twenty nine minutes and fifty eight seconds later Shaun had drunk the lot, just managing the time limit by two seconds.
The American was quite amazed, however he still paid out the ten thousand Euro's. Then asked Shaun why he had left before coming back in to take on the bet.
Shaun replied, "Well sir, ten thousand Euro's is a lot of money to a man like myself, so I nipped across to the pub on the other side of the road to see if I could actually do it."


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