Joke of the Day
Posted 30 June 2005 - 11:57 PM
A short one :
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
Posted 01 July 2005 - 08:09 PM
what do they call a wedding in redneckville? a family reunion
you know you're a redneck if you take your dog everywhere you go....and the wife sits in the back.
you know you're a redneck if you still own every auto or truck you ever bought and they're still out front and not a one will go anywhere.
HA I'm killin me here. happy 4th of july to you all!
Posted 05 July 2005 - 03:24 AM
Posted 05 July 2005 - 03:42 AM
Posted 05 July 2005 - 09:20 AM
Posted 05 July 2005 - 04:40 PM
You Might be Suffocating in a Constipated Bureaucracy If...
1.) It is impossible to obtain a commitment, enact change, or even voice an opinion.
2.) Every project has a schedule before it has a plan.
3.) Your managers hire experts but ignore their advice.
4.) Your boss believes he or she can bully you into working harder.
5.) Employees are treated like second-class retards, and contractors are treated like they have a brain pan.
6.) Your boss looks like John Kerry. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
7.) Your boss has several skincare products on his or her desk but no visible sign of work.
8.) You have the same computer as your boss' secretary.
9.) Your boss has a flat-panel monitor but you don't.
10.) When you give your boss an Etch A Sketch as a Holiday present, he doesn't laugh.
11.) You are toiling away on weekends for free, but your boss waits until Monday to yell at you because you didn't magically complete the work by his arbitrary deadline.
12.) All the job titles in your department are Programmer I, Programmer II, or Programmer III, and the only tool you're supplied is a compiler.
13.) Your manager was an accountant in a previous life and believes every problem can be solved with more documentation and more scheduling.
14.) Your training budget is non-existent, so you have never made a fool of yourself at Cheetah's in Las Vegas during Comdex at the company's expense.
15.) Your boss has never bought you a "Warp Core Breach."
16.) Meetings have no agenda and never seem to accomplish anything.
17.) Your boss always tells you about programming with punch cards to prove he used to be a good programmer and therefore knows more about your job than you do.
18.) Your boss has programmed in COBOL.
19.) You are still working on the same code base as the day you started.
20.) The software you heroically wrote earned the company $10,000,000 but you got only a four-percent raise.
21.) All of the best programmers have to get promoted to manager to earn more money.
22.) Managers drive the most expensive cars, and the Saturn-to-sports-car ratio is greater than the programmer-to-non-programmer ratio.
23.) Your last vacation did not involve a plane ticket.
24.) You don't know in which month Comdex occurs and have never been.
25.) You are definitely suffocating in a constipated bureaucracy if your CIO or CTO thinks you are too busy to join a users' group—after hours.
26.) UML modeling is considered "drawing pictures."
27.) Your manager stands at the door and looks at his watch when you arrive in the morning.
28.) You still wear a suit to work.
29.) Your boss thinks a picture of Satan is a nice resemblance to himself.
30.) Your manager is the best looking person on the team.
31.) The company coffee blend tastes like pencil shavings.
32.) You actually have a scheduled amount of break time before and after lunch.
33.) The computer tech gets promoted to director of software development because he looks good in a suit.
34.) You have never seen your boss drunk.
35.) Your boss opens every meeting with golf anecdotes.
36.) And lastly, you must be suffocating in a constipated bureaucracy if video games and instant messaging are not permitted.
37.) You access the Internet using a dial-up connection.
38.) Your cube has only enough room for an L-shaped desk and a chair.
39.) You are developing enterprise software on a 15-inch monitor.
40.) Management forces you to use the latest technology whether it makes sense or not.
41.) Your project is suspended mid-stream because the funds run out when the fiscal year ends.
42.) The experts are fired before the project is finished because they disagree with management.
43.) a) There are no experts, or b) Everyone is an expert.
44.) Incompetent people are fired but not the managers who hired them.
45.) Deadlines exist before scope is defined.
46.) The suggestion box hasn't been emptied since Carter was president.
47.) Your bonus is tied to your productivity and the company's profit, but senior management's bonus is not.
48.) The most respected people in your company shop at Brook's Brothers and spend all their time playing golf and watching ESPN.
49.) More than 10 people need your status report—all on different days and in different formats.
50.) Employees are "big picture" guys while consultants do the actual work.
51.) You are using a monochrome monitor for anything.
52.) The network traffic is displayed on a 42-inch plasma monitor, while your UML diagrams have to be taped together on 8B= x 11-inch paper.
53.) Your boss has a BlackBerry to avoid missing his tee-time. You have two paper cups connected by strings.
54.) Your office e-mail is two pulleys, clothespins, and string, and no one finds this odd.
55.) Your boss is indicted and your company's response is to film new commercials.
56.) Your company has a spin-off to protect "co-conspirators" against indictment.
57.) Managers have several computer books that they haven't read, but your budget for training is zilch.
58.) Your boss can't pay the $99 for your local tradeshow (DevDays, and so forth).
59.) Your boss has a wet bar; you have a coffee fund.
60.) You are required to attend meetings but no one is required to prepare an agenda.
61.) Instant messaging is not permitted.
62.) The company e-mail ends in @netzero.com, @yahoo.com, or @msn.com.
Compliments of :
June 30, 2005
Posted 07 July 2005 - 01:31 PM
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh [bleep].", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Posted 08 July 2005 - 12:38 AM
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Posted 09 July 2005 - 08:32 AM
A:because hes got little legs
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