Wee Scottish Jokes
Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as one of the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!
A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by
"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on
Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past.
"Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,
The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.
But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy
"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."
"Radio broken." the old man replied.
A tramp approaches a large house in Newton Mearns (posh area of Glasgow). He raps on the door and it is answered by a maid who tells him rather imperiously, to wait there until she gets the master.
He comes to the door ill-pleased to see such a tatter-demalion polluting his front garden and demands to know what the fellow wants.
"Please sir," responds the filthy wretch, "I have not eaten for days and am very hungry. Can you spare a couple of pounds?"
"Listen my good fellow," the man says archly, "I have worked all my life, started from the scratch, son of a labourer, started buying and selling at school, got my own shop before I was out of my teens and by the time I was of thirty years of I had as many a number of department stores. I don't believe in charity or handouts, I believe in working for anything you get. Now, if you go round the back of the house you will see I have a porch there - I need to have it broken up as it is simply too old and old fashioned and I want it replaced. Break it up for me and I will pay you £50. Now isn't that better than two pounds for doing nothing."
"Yes indeed sir, it is" so armed with a huge hammer the man goes to break up the porch and the gentleman retires to his study, glad to have turned someone into something at least for an hour or two. The man returns to the front door and rings the bell.
"That's it all broken into wee pieces now sir." says the tramp
"Very good, very good." the gentleman smirks and hands the chap £50. As the tramp ambles off he calls over to the man just before he closes the door."
"By the way sir, that wisnae a Porsche, it wiz a BMW."
A wee auld wummin ( Woman ) from the Gorbals is at a swanky do in the city. She is in the lift of The Hilton Hotel and with her are two very beautiful and regal young women. The first one has a simply devine smelling perfume and our wee auld wummin sniffs the air appreciatively and ask the first young woman what the perfume is: "Chanel No 5, £70 pounds a bottle, John Lewis." she replies with more than just a little disdain in her arch tones.
The old lady turns to the second beauty and asks her about her perfume "Iyves St Laurent Nu, 80 pounds a bottle, Watt Brothers." she responds, even more snootily than the first one.
Just before they reach their floor, the wee auld Gorbals wummin bends over and drops the biggest fart you have ever heard. As the fumes engulf our two majestic young women, who are at gagging point with the stink, our we auld Gorbals wummin says as she departs the lift: "Economy Beans, 6 Tins Furra Pound, £1.00 Safeway"
A fierce Highlander is drinking in a Glasgow pub. He consumes about ten pints, but just as he starts on his eleventh, he feels the call of nature.
Dubious about the character of the Glaswegian, he gets a postit note and scribbles on it "This pint belongs to the Inverness Heavyweight Boxing Champion" and sticks it to the glass.
On his return he sees another note stuck over his, which reads "This pint is now inside the Glasgow Half Mile Sprint Champion!"
A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss,
"My name is Dan, and when I'm a man, I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady, When I become a lady, I would like to be Prime minister, Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss, My name is Hamish, stuff China and Japan, If Mary Grady wants to be Prime minister ...... Hamish is yir man!!! Marry me