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One Liners


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#31
GV25

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A few from the greatest one-liner comic ever to have performed:

"I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was ------- impossible."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"Is a Hippopotamus a Hippopotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"Alright ... that joke was ridiculous."

-Mitch Hedberg, R.I.P.
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#32
xanthorea

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Work is for those that don't play Golf
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#33
The_KiD

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"it's hard enough to remember my opinions without remembering my reasons for them" - Mike Skinner, streets
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#34
RockyIV

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If electricity is made by electrons...is morality made by morons?-Shakespere!
:tazz: (It wasn't Shakespere!)
Regards RockyIV
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#35
CCMike

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Thought it might be a nice idea to reopen this thread and see if we can get somemore input on it

Heres my addition


We the willing, Led by the unknowing, Are doing the impossible for the ungrateful, We have done so much, With so little for so long, We are now qulified to do anything with nothing FOREVER!

And one more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Edited by CCMike, 24 October 2006 - 04:31 PM.

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#36
dsenette

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well....if mike's going the jack handy route...so will i

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”

“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.”

"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

my favorite one...(though i can't at the moment prove it's a jack handy...but i'm sure it is)

"i wanna die like grandpa did, peacefully in my sleep.....not screaming in terror like the rest of the family in the car"
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#37
anazopyreo

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I lost a button hole.
Yesterday I installed a skylight. My upstairs neighbor is pissed.
Steven Wright

The clothes make the man. Naked people get no respect in society.
Mark Twain

Show me potato salad!
If you didn't see the Randy Newman episode of Family Guy, you don't know why it's funny.
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#38
Angst

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Do, or Do not, there is no try.
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#39
playa_in_mind

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Digging your grave is an everyday task, at least make it comfortable.
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#40
frantique

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Did you hear about the man who dreamt he ate a giant marshmellow?
He woke up the next morning and couldn't find his pillow!
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#41
biggles007

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Hey! It's always on a dry day that it starts to rain
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#42
biggles007

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Many a time a man's mouth broke his nose.
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#43
biggles007

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"Anything will fit a naked man"
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#44
biggles007

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
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#45
biggles007

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You know it is summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.


Happy Xmas To All
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