[Major Payne]

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
-- Sam Ewing

[Advertisements]

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

[Major Payne]

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

[Major Payne]

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
-- Leo Rosenberg

[Major Payne]

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

[Major Payne]

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
-- Bette Midler

[Major Payne]

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
-- Unknown

[Major Payne]

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
-- Jeanne Moreau

[Major Payne]

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
-- Robert Frost

[Major Payne]

When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.
-- Bill Clinton

[Major Payne]

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse

[Major Payne]

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson

[Major Payne]

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly

[Major Payne]

A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing

[Major Payne]

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones