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#1306
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

-- Anonymous
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#1307
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
-- Steven Wright
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#1308
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes
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#1309
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
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#1310
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey
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#1311
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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#1312
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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#1313
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman
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#1314
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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#1315
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
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#1316
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler
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#1317
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
-- Milt Kamen
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#1318
BHowett

BHowett

    OT Moderator

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Butterfly Life Cycle


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#1319
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
-- Max Kauffmann
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#1320
Major Payne

Major Payne

    Retired Staff

  • Retired Staff
  • 5,307 posts
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw
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