[Major Payne]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

-- Anonymous

[Advertisements]

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
-- Steven Wright

[Major Payne]

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
-- Steven Wright

[Major Payne]

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

[Major Payne]

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig

[Major Payne]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey

[Major Payne]

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

[Major Payne]

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

[Major Payne]

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman

[Major Payne]

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield

[Major Payne]

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)

[Major Payne]

I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler

[Major Payne]

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
-- Milt Kamen

[BHowett]

Butterfly Life Cycle

[Major Payne]

I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
-- Max Kauffmann

[Major Payne]

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw