[Major Payne]

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

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The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
-- Ronnie Barker (from the Two Ronnies, 1972, BBC)

[Major Payne]

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
-- Ronnie Barker (from the Two Ronnies, 1972, BBC)

[Major Payne]

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
-- Spike Milligan

[Major Payne]

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.
-- Ronnie Corbett (from the Two Ronnies)

[Major Payne]

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
-- Billy Connolly

[Major Payne]

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
-- Gene Perret

[Major Payne]

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
-- Henry Youngman

[Major Payne]

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
-- Henry Youngman

[Major Payne]

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
-- Geoffrey Parfitt

[Major Payne]

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
-- Harry Hill

[Major Payne]

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
-- Anonymous

[Major Payne]

So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my Dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: "There ya go, play dead..."
-- Robert Paul

[Major Payne]

The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.
-- Unknown