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Joke of the day


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#1
phillpower2

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"
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#2
Alzeimer

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $30.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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#3
phillpower2

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3 parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10, woman ask "why is that parrot so cheap", shopkeeper replies "it used to live in a brothel" but the woman finds that funny, buys it and takes it home.

Getting there the parrot says "bloody [bleep] a new brothel and madam" , the woman still finds it funny, when her daughters come home the parrot says " bloody 'ell new girls" and they all laugh at the parrot.

Then her husband comes home and the parrot says " Hi Howard, long time no see"
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#4
Alzeimer

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My friend and I rented a movie from Blockbuster's. Before the movie began a message came on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from my friend "How do they know what size screen you have?"
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#5
John Bull

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Quasimodo being chased by a crowd of kids and yelling -
'Bugger off, I have`nt got your football'
========
A man runs down a street and shouts to a passing policeman..'There's a lion just escaped from the zoo!!!'
The policeman asked..'Which way did he go?'
The man replied..'You don't think I'm bloody chasing it do you??'
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A guy parked his car in the Bronx the other day. A local kid came up and said, ‘A buck to mind your car for you mister?’
The guy said, ‘No! Bugger off, there’s a Rottweiler in the back, he`ll do just fine.’ The kid said: ‘Put out fires, can he?’
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Did you hear about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness — and the
monster came up.
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A woman is driving along the motor-way near London when her husband rings on her mobile phone. ‘Honey, I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M25,’ he says, ‘So be careful.’ ‘It’s not just one car,’ the wife replies. ‘There are hundreds of them’.'
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BOOM-BOOM !
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#6
zorba the geek

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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