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This one about killed me...


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#1
admin

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They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy [bleep], what the [bleep] is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [bleep]-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I [bleep] on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my [bleep] with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
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#2
dsenette

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my girlfriend is from texas...i showed her that one a while ago (got it in an email) and she almost wet herself
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#3
warriorscot

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Lol texans should have their right to taste buds removed, when i was in texas last i nearly died when i tasted some of their chilli, makes my dads super spicy chinese curry(directions say add 1/2 packet he adds the whole packet plus some extra spices from the cupboard) look relativley mild.

Texans are crazy folk. Totally sound, but utterly crazy.
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#4
admin

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Me fears when those Texan's coachwife6 and Michelle see this topic. :tazz:
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#5
crystal.tiger.eyes

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OMG! so funny, me and my sister seriously went i nour pants from laughign so bad! whoever made that up...ur good! adn it kinda makes me want to meet judge #3, lol, ne ways we started making some chili later that night. :tazz:

*~...:dreamer:...~*
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#6
Ryan

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:) :):rofl::woot:
I've been working on an English paper for the past three hours, and needed this desperately. It was great, and saved my computer from being thrown :tazz: . Luckily my Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow.
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#7
Michelle

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Me fears when those Texan's coachwife6 and Michelle see this topic. :tazz:

:)

I heard chili, Texas, and crazy...so here I am!

That was great! :)

mmm chili sounds good :woot:
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#8
nick_mi

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Heh, my dad makes a pretty wicked chili(he's from Texas), but my Granny's chili when I go down to Texas every christmas actually makes me cry. Like not a sobbing cry but the eyes just tear up.
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#9
yesiammanu

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If you think Texans are crazy, you should see Indians. They live for spice! They got this crispy thing that literally burns your tounge off.
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#10
HarryMay

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I was a pastry chef at a microbrewery when the soux chef called in swick.I cook on the line elsewhere,so I jumped in.Someone orderedf a plate of extra hot wings,I found ther dried habeneros and there was a spoon and cup in the box.I'm thinking what clod did this,so i sent em back to be washed.Then I proceeded to grab some peppers(habaneros are v ery hot!)and grind em up in my hand to be included in the xxx hot sauce.I washed my hands liberallky and about an hour went past when I needed to use the john.I was ready to cut the thing off to make the pain go away,I was crying,for mercy.That's when I realized I had sent a makeshift pestle and mortar to the dishwasher.I still get the heebeejeebies thinking of that awful pain.
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#11
keiko969

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as a new (ish) member, i came across this purely by accident.....glad i did i was trying sooo hard not to wake my fellow housemates up by laughing at 2:50am(gmt), i almost died!......lol!!!
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#12
Steamhead

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hahaha. wow this was funny. I love chilly me-self. (Alabama is close enough to Texas isn't it?)
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