E-RFD: New Elementary Particle Discovered
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named"Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by force particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of orbiting peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction within its field range, which like gravity is unlimited but whose intensity reduces by the square of the distance from the original source. A minute amount of Governmentium located within one football field of length away causes a single event to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons in a given location reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.