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Joke of the Day

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With the holidays approaching, use these rules when shopping for men's


Rule #1

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already

has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,

you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word

ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can

I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my

3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent

ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear

view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I

was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have

invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little

picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips . . .

Rule #6

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a

cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.

I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. And it will last for 23


Rule #8

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple

of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups.

Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It

will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Fleet Farm,

Menards, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Expert Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and

Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must

be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?

Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get

him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line

leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12

Tickets to any sporting events is a smart gift. However, he will not

appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone

knows why.

Rule #13

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a Chainsaw. If you

don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a

label maker.

Rule #14

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder..

Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one

knows why.

Rule #15

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least

The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.

No one knows why.

Seasons Greetings!!!
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Just though i'd resurrect the jokes thread.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and replied, 'Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.'
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports Car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at It and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Certifiably Blonde

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Can you judge someone from looking at them?

Hmmmm ... I got 6 outta 10
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There I have probably posted this in the wrong thread again, I can't seem to get this link to open, what do you think I should do then:

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Why suffer in silence when you can share your bad viewing moments:

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Retired Tech

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A jump lead walks in to a bar and asks for a pint of lager, the barman says " OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything "
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Star Trek: Windows: The XP Generation

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines,
each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you
select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky
square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be
Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in
Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it
over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some
buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A
flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I
want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete
your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished
before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose
to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any
information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and
all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks
erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley
back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the
lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, [bleep] it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your
internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The
ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to
one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is
heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the [bleep] are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on
hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that
person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She
specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and
all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt.
After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is
standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a
Macintosh, Captain?
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
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Edit: this is a family forum and we only accept family friendly material <-- i forgot wat i wrote before this, srry, can the MOD, please delete the repeated post or this one. (please refresh me on wat i wrote)

Isnt that from along came polly?? THough i heard that somewhere :whistling: :blink: :help:

Edited by vika09, 05 August 2006 - 08:50 PM.

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You didn't write what you posted, you simply quoted something from a very old post. However, that post should have been edited at the time the user made it, and it wasn't. I've edited the original post, and it was removed from your post as well.

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Shock Box

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from shock box
A police man stops two guys one had a firework and one had a battery one was charged and one was let off :whistling:
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a [bleep], and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

lol those were my favorites...

Anyways An old woman walked up to a pile of dirt and said why why did you have to die my dear husband!?

her daughter walked up and saif "For The Last Time Mom That Isnt Dad Thats Just A Mushroom!"
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All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. - cracks me up...
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cheyenne 09

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Joke edited for mild sexual content

Edited by sari, 08 August 2006 - 04:30 PM.

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