[cheyenne 09]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

• I only had one officer Mr. Malt.

• Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

• Want to race to the station, Sparky Go Go GO?

• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

• You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Loser!

• Come on write the [bleep] ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

• Hey, wasn't your daughter Hanging around in the Bar?

• How long is this going to take Officer? Your Cheif's wife and i are Dating Tonight.

• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

• I was trying to keep up with traffic.

• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

• "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

• Didn't I see you get your [bleep] kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

• When you smack me Around, make sure you smile for the camcorder.

• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

• Aren't you one of the Village People?

[Advertisements]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.''

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ''It's just 99 cents a word.''

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.''' The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''

[N.J]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.''

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ''It's just 99 cents a word.''

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.''' The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''

[N.J]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly....

A man dressed in Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it

to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly
1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.", says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd
says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required", answered the shepherd.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't
know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."

[N.J]

Grandma don't know every thing
....................................................

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while, when he
came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called
when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top
of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk
and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,
it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and
Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!"

[cheyenne 09]

Circus Big Top Jokes

Question. Why did the Clown Cross the Road?
Answer. To find his rubber chicken

Question. Why did the clown wear loud socks?
Answer. So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.

Question. Why did the elephants get thrown out of the public swimming pool?
Answer. Because they kept dropping their trunks.

Question. What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
Answer. Candy Floss.

Question. How do you get a circus elephant?
Answer. Hide in the grass and make peanut noises.

Question. How do you kill a circus?
Answer. Go for the juggler !!

Question. Why did the Elephant go to the Telephone Booth
Answer. To make a Trunk Call.!!

Edited by cheyenne 09, 02 May 2007 - 10:03 AM.

[cheyenne 09]

Computer Joke's

The Computer Programmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."



This is Why we should feel sorry for Tech support people


A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK John, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, John." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, John." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Starlette, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click]

Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


Helicopter Landing

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.

The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"



Anything You Want my Son

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.


Wordperfect Customer Support

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

CSE: What sort of trouble?

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer: Nothing.

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer: How do I tell?

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer: What's a monitor?

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer: I don't know.

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer: Yes, I think so.

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

CSE: Dark?

Customer: There's a power outage.

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

[Kat]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his Bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With

he worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read

the letter.





Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with

my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have

been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you

would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight

motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's

not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very

happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the

whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy

has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that

live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that

science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm

sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your

grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John.



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted

to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's

in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[cheyenne 09]

Rabbit Resurrection

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can.

She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished.

He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[cheyenne 09]

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy.

I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[cheyenne 09]

Rednecks Drinking & Driving

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.

" "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl,

"we're on the patch."

[cheyenne 09]

Red Shirt Of Courage

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

[N.J]

Love in a Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
Immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
Now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
News and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
Soon can I go home?"

[frantique]

Terrible Smell
A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own."
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it ? Lady, I'm sitting in it".

[N.J]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about.


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

[N.J]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Edited by N.J, 09 May 2007 - 08:40 AM.