[BHowett]

That was a good one zorba, I was woundering where it was going with fell in the pool

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Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old [bleep] won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the [bleep] out of here!"


.... it's not really funny ... kind of sad really ... must be losing my touch!

[frantique]

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old [bleep] won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the [bleep] out of here!"


.... it's not really funny ... kind of sad really ... must be losing my touch!

[zorba the geek]

Frantique,glad to see you back!We do miss you around here


Collecting Snails For Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and ended up talking all night. As the sun came up he suddenly exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He grabbed his bucket, and ran along the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Zorba ... it's a great joke, however, a little on the border of unsuitable, so I have edited it!

Edited by frantique, 28 June 2008 - 09:23 PM.

[zorba the geek]

Ups,sorry Frantique

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[TheQuickBrownFox]

Nice one zorba. reminds me of someone in my family...

Edited by ditrackster, 29 June 2008 - 06:27 PM.

[zorba the geek]

Nice one zorba. reminds me of someone in my family...

Got my Spys everywhere

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

[zorba the geek]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[frantique]

Good one Zorba.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room
at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

[zorba the geek]

You had me going there for a minute,until i read the last bit

Great one Frantique
BTW:I'll reach your level in a couple of weeks

[zorba the geek]

Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

[zorba the geek]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the [bleep] am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[MatrixEquilibrium]

A man rushed his pregnant wife to the hospital; he went through the ER doors and doctors quickly took her in.

After letting him in, a doctor in the room said, "Recently, we completed the invention of a new machine; it has the ability to spread the pain of birth from the mother to the father of the newborn, at various percentages." He pointed at a large machine on the side of the room, with a knob pointing at different percentages between 0 and 100.

The doctor said, "If you'd like to try it, we're going to have to warn you that this pain is unendurable by man, even the smallest amount."

The man said, "Okay, put it at 10%". The doctor moved the knob to 10%, looking at the man to see his reaction -- there was none. The doctor moved it up to 20%, and the man still didn't feel pain. The doctor moved it up to 50%, easing the pain from the mother, and the man was still showing no signs of pain.

The doctor said, "Wow, this is amazing, you don't seem to be affected by the pain at all, and your wife seems to be having an easier time." The doctor then put the knob at 100%, and the mother gave birth with literally no pain. The man felt nothing.

When the couple left the hospital two days later, they found the milkman dead on the porch.

[sadko]

She: My husband never shouts at me…
She: He never says rough words…
She: he never uses his computer…
She: he also never cheats on me and never goes to bars…
She: Isn’t he sweet?..
He: hmmm…
He: Are you sure he’s still alive?..

[makhno]

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan."

After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan."

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan."

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah...so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[frantique]

Important Zen teachings............

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact,
just get lost and leave me alone.

2. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

3. No one is listening, until you break wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bottom ... then
things just get worse.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from
bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much whilst your lips are
moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.