[frantique]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming, "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN!! RUN!!"

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy [bleep] rrrun!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

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loool nice one man, keep em comin

[mistryman]

loool nice one man, keep em comin

[beav3r]

Made me laugh.

[Sp3ke]

Heh, nice one. Took me a while to work out though.

[cheyenne 09]

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'

'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'

The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'



Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground.
He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot.

Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

[cheyenne 09]

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

[millerman996]

lol that one's nice....made me put a smile on my face

[Shock Box]

Here try theese ones

A Scotsman Loses His Jacket

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"



School Play

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."


Temperance Lecture

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"


Scotch Purse

A good friend of mine was recently touring Scotland. After stopping in a local store he spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreeable price far below that which was posted.

My friend then took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it, at which point the shopkeeper exclaimed "Ay, now that is a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"

shock box

[cheyenne 09]

The Gilchrist brothers decided that one of them would go to America and make his fortune,
and coming back to share with the rest of them The youngest, Iain, was chosen for this task.
Off he went, and he worked hard in America,and earned himself a fortune over a few years,
and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with his fortune.
When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat,
and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar.
Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Iain, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Iain realized his brothers had grown beards.
"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.
"We had to, lad, ye took the only razor we had wi' ye!"

Edited by cheyenne 09, 10 February 2007 - 12:01 PM.

[cheyenne 09]

Wee Scottish Jokes

Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as one of the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by

"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on

Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past.

"Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."

"Radio broken." the old man replied.



A tramp approaches a large house in Newton Mearns (posh area of Glasgow). He raps on the door and it is answered by a maid who tells him rather imperiously, to wait there until she gets the master.

He comes to the door ill-pleased to see such a tatter-demalion polluting his front garden and demands to know what the fellow wants.

"Please sir," responds the filthy wretch, "I have not eaten for days and am very hungry. Can you spare a couple of pounds?"

"Listen my good fellow," the man says archly, "I have worked all my life, started from the scratch, son of a labourer, started buying and selling at school, got my own shop before I was out of my teens and by the time I was of thirty years of I had as many a number of department stores. I don't believe in charity or handouts, I believe in working for anything you get. Now, if you go round the back of the house you will see I have a porch there - I need to have it broken up as it is simply too old and old fashioned and I want it replaced. Break it up for me and I will pay you £50. Now isn't that better than two pounds for doing nothing."

"Yes indeed sir, it is" so armed with a huge hammer the man goes to break up the porch and the gentleman retires to his study, glad to have turned someone into something at least for an hour or two. The man returns to the front door and rings the bell.

"That's it all broken into wee pieces now sir." says the tramp

"Very good, very good." the gentleman smirks and hands the chap £50. As the tramp ambles off he calls over to the man just before he closes the door."

"By the way sir, that wisnae a Porsche, it wiz a BMW."


A wee auld wummin ( Woman ) from the Gorbals is at a swanky do in the city. She is in the lift of The Hilton Hotel and with her are two very beautiful and regal young women. The first one has a simply devine smelling perfume and our wee auld wummin sniffs the air appreciatively and ask the first young woman what the perfume is: "Chanel No 5, £70 pounds a bottle, John Lewis." she replies with more than just a little disdain in her arch tones.

The old lady turns to the second beauty and asks her about her perfume "Iyves St Laurent Nu, 80 pounds a bottle, Watt Brothers." she responds, even more snootily than the first one.

Just before they reach their floor, the wee auld Gorbals wummin bends over and drops the biggest fart you have ever heard. As the fumes engulf our two majestic young women, who are at gagging point with the stink, our we auld Gorbals wummin says as she departs the lift: "Economy Beans, 6 Tins Furra Pound, £1.00 Safeway"



A fierce Highlander is drinking in a Glasgow pub. He consumes about ten pints, but just as he starts on his eleventh, he feels the call of nature.

Dubious about the character of the Glaswegian, he gets a postit note and scribbles on it "This pint belongs to the Inverness Heavyweight Boxing Champion" and sticks it to the glass.

On his return he sees another note stuck over his, which reads "This pint is now inside the Glasgow Half Mile Sprint Champion!"



A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss,
"My name is Dan, and when I'm a man, I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady, When I become a lady, I would like to be Prime minister, Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss, My name is Hamish, stuff China and Japan, If Mary Grady wants to be Prime minister ...... Hamish is yir man!!! Marry me

[sarahw]

A Scotsman went to the library and asked for a book on suicide. The Libararian said "No way, I'll never get it back"