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Joke of the Day


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#751
S.O.A.D.A.

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Ach..... a programmer's joke:

Two strings walk into a bar.
"Gimme a beer" says the first string to the bartender.
"And one for me [email protected]#36163$65%@#$TBdfv #%%$T^%^()6468 35846 edfg fdgfgg", says the other.
"Please forgive my friend", says the first string, "he's not null terminated".

Edited by S.O.A.D.A., 06 March 2009 - 02:24 AM.

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#752
Chopin

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One for all you music theory experts (and me! :))

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out
flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a
second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at
the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've
found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined
shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this
could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit
and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C
is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a
minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are
bassless.


Try to find all the awful puns. There's about two or three in every sentence. Probably more.

Edited by Fredil, 06 March 2009 - 08:56 PM.

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#753
BHowett

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A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."

:)
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#754
S.O.A.D.A.

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A rich sheikh arrives in Amsterdam with his large retinue. He visits the home of a local official, attended by his personal slave. While sitting in the man's library, discussing various worldly affairs with the host and his other guests, the sheikh turns to his slave and says:

"Get me a drink of water".

The slave replies: "But your excellency, I do not know where I can find any water here...."

"I don't care", says the sheikh, "get me some water or you will be punished!"

Worried, the slave runs off in search of water. After awhile he returns, carrying a cup of water in his hands and offers it to his master. The sheikh drinks, and after some time asks for water again.

This is repeated for a couple of times, and the fourth time the sheikh asks for water, his slave returns with an empty cup.

"What is the matter? I asked you to bring me water!" says the sheikh angrily.

"Master, I tried", replies the slave, "but I could not get tot the source. Somebody was sitting on the well!"
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#755
Chopin

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A rich sheikh arrives in Amsterdam with his large retinue. He visits the home of a local official, attended by his personal slave. While sitting in the man's library, discussing various worldly affairs with the host and his other guests, the sheikh turns to his slave and says:

"Get me a drink of water".

The slave replies: "But your excellency, I do not know where I can find any water here...."

"I don't care", says the sheikh, "get me some water or you will be punished!"

Worried, the slave runs off in search of water. After awhile he returns, carrying a cup of water in his hands and offers it to his master. The sheikh drinks, and after some time asks for water again.

This is repeated for a couple of times, and the fourth time the sheikh asks for water, his slave returns with an empty cup.

"What is the matter? I asked you to bring me water!" says the sheikh angrily.

"Master, I tried", replies the slave, "but I could not get tot the source. Somebody was sitting on the well!"

You know, toilets generally have a couple of hundred times less bacteria per square inch than sinks.

Of course, that doesn't generally apply to the inside.
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#756
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Whatever goes on on the inside, man, it'll never be enough to convince me to drink from there : )
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#757
Onaipian

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One for all you music theory experts (and me! :))

............


Ugh... I'm getting a headache... Plus the puns! (little overdone)
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#758
BHowett

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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#759
Chopin

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Who's psychic? Raise my hand.
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#760
BHowett

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Pessimist and a dog


An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
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#761
Elliot

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A couple was being honored for celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. When the missus was asked how they managed to get along so well over the years, she explained:

"For our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon. Well, as we were riding our burros down the trail, my husband's burro decided to stop and sit down. After finally managing to get the burro going again, my husband looked at the mule and said, 'That's one.'

A bit farther along, his burro decided to stop and sit down again. Moments later, after getting the burro moving again, I heard my husband say, 'That's two.'

Well, once again, a bit farther on, my husband's burro sat down and refused to budge. My husband pulled out a pistol, shot the burro and said, 'That's three.'

A week or two later, we were heading to visit some friends when I realized my husband must have gotten lost, so I mentioned that he might want to stop for directions. After a few more minutes of driving aimlessly I was quite frustrated and told him to 'put away the ego and get some directions!'

He replied, 'That's one.'

Things have been wonderful ever since."
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#762
zorba the geek

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A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?.
The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,



"PEANUTS"!!!
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#763
Missy123

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A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?.
The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,



"PEANUTS"!!!


This is quite a good joke zorba!

Edited by Missy123, 10 April 2009 - 04:19 AM.

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#764
BHowett

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Nerd season


trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: "NO NERDS." He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.

"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.

"What did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.

"Well," the bartender answers, "it's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."

So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's too hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one. While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season."

"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"
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#765
Chopin

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:) :) :)
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