Joke of the Day
Started by
Resident_Blonde
, Mar 21 2005 09:00 PM
#136
Posted 09 July 2005 - 07:25 PM
HarryMay
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#137
Posted 11 July 2005 - 02:12 PM
S A A B
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George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your [bleep] from drowning!"
Emery
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your [bleep] from drowning!"
Emery
#138
Posted 11 July 2005 - 03:25 PM
dsenette
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- Community Leader
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- 26,047 posts
Je suis Napoléon!
why are all pirates illiterate?....they just ARRRRRRRR
why don't pirates like to go to china?....because of the SAAARRRS
What did the Buhdist monk say to the hot dog vendor? ....
Make me one with everything
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?.....Fish
why don't pirates like to go to china?....because of the SAAARRRS
What did the Buhdist monk say to the hot dog vendor? ....
Make me one with everything
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?.....Fish
#139
Posted 11 July 2005 - 03:46 PM
Guse
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Visiting Staff
The fish one actually made me smile. Why? No idea.
#140
Posted 11 July 2005 - 04:05 PM
HarryMay
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- 180 posts
Member
a group of college girls decide to go to london on summer vacation.They decide to take a sightseeing tour on a double decker bus.The blondes all decide to sit atop while the rest stay below.Going about the city everyone downstairs is giggling and having a very loud and fun time while upstairs was perfectly silent.A girl decides to go up and see what's going on.Atop the bus she sees all the blondes looking grim and holding onto their seats in sheer panic.What's wrong,the girl asks,we're having a blast downstairs.You should,one blonde speaks up,you've got a driver down there.
2 blondes are walking down the street when one sees a compact in front of her.She picks it up.opens it and says,"this picture looks familiar".Her friend grabs it,looks at it and say's"duh,it's me".
2 blondes are walking down the street when one sees a compact in front of her.She picks it up.opens it and says,"this picture looks familiar".Her friend grabs it,looks at it and say's"duh,it's me".
#141
Posted 12 July 2005 - 03:15 PM
Major Payne
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- Retired Staff
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Retired Staff
The Writer
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
Ron
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
Ron
#142
Posted 13 July 2005 - 06:45 PM
noahdfear
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- Expert
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- 1,316 posts
Malware Expert
HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.
" She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.
" She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
#143
Posted 13 July 2005 - 07:27 PM
noahdfear
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- Expert
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- 1,316 posts
Malware Expert
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I t! hink that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I t! hink that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
#144
Posted 14 July 2005 - 01:11 PM
Major Payne
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- Retired Staff
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- 5,307 posts
Retired Staff
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet :
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
Ron
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
Ron
#145
Posted 15 July 2005 - 06:50 PM
HarryMay
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- Member
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- 180 posts
Member
This is gotta be in the top ten!HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.
" She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
#146
Posted 17 July 2005 - 09:40 AM
Major Payne
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- Retired Staff
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- 5,307 posts
Retired Staff
The Dangerous Bet
A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
Ron
A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
Ron
#147
Posted 25 July 2005 - 01:22 PM
Major Payne
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- Retired Staff
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- 5,307 posts
Retired Staff
Bar Competition
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Ron
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Ron
#148
Posted 27 July 2005 - 05:08 PM
tampabelle
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- Retired Staff
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Member 5k
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
#149
Posted 27 July 2005 - 05:49 PM
HarryMay
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- Member
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- 180 posts
Member
a blonde a brunette and a redhead had been working together for some time when they noticed the boss left three hours early everyday.Deciding this was unfair the next day they decided to close up shop the minute the boss left.The next day at lunch the brunette said she had a great time at the beach last afternoon.The redhead,too said she had a great time at the mall and suggested they close up shop early more often.No way said the blonde,I went home and as I was going to surprise my husband with a sexy new outfit I quietly opened the door to the bedroom and saw the boss in there,I sure was lucky I didn't get caught this time.Next time I might not be so lucky.
A strongman walked into a bar and asked the keeper for a lemon.He then proceeded to squeeze all the juice from the lemon and offered a 1,000.$ to anyone who could squeeze one more drop out of it.Many tried and many failed.Finally this bookish meek looking guy squeezes it and three more drops fell out.Handing over the money the strongman asked the fellow what he did for a living.Oh,I work for the I.R.S. he said.
A strongman walked into a bar and asked the keeper for a lemon.He then proceeded to squeeze all the juice from the lemon and offered a 1,000.$ to anyone who could squeeze one more drop out of it.Many tried and many failed.Finally this bookish meek looking guy squeezes it and three more drops fell out.Handing over the money the strongman asked the fellow what he did for a living.Oh,I work for the I.R.S. he said.
#150
Posted 28 July 2005 - 07:27 AM
tampabelle
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Member 5k
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and
made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried
sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the
car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A
girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing
passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled
away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in
her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary
didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There
comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried
sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the
car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A
girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing
passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled
away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in
her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary
didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There
comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
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