[Major Payne]

Crossing The River :
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "Lord, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Advertisements]

Am I the only one that loves jokes? Maybe I need to get a life! Here's another one for you beer drinkers :

(From the 1990s)

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Ron

[Major Payne]

Am I the only one that loves jokes? Maybe I need to get a life! Here's another one for you beer drinkers :

(From the 1990s)

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Ron

[Lusi]

I love jokes and thanks for sharing Major. Nothing like a laugh and a smile to start the day off right.

[OR_Mtn_Man]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the h*** is going on.

[Resident_Blonde]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t in my pants."

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Podunk Wal-Mart.

[Resident_Blonde]

OR_Mtn_Man,

Those were to funny... lol Had to copy and send to family... lol

[Lusi]

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Where I am at I feel like this should be my motto. lol

We actually had a girl ask to be fired so she could "kick back and draw her unemployment for awhile" (she's 23 but tired of working too many years ) . Alright now, I know unemployment is not welfare...you do pay this in, but it is there for when you lose your job for unexpected reasons, not for when you ASK to be fired!
Needless to say we never fired her but she did find a way around it, quit, and is now sitting at home and will soon I am sure be drawing a paycheck without having to work for it.


I did get a laugh out of the whole list MTN MAN, thanks for sharing.

Resident Blonde...cracked me up, love starting the morning off with a smile.

[Lusi]

Chalk One up For Mom:

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian an saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie.
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

[Resident_Blonde]

Lusi,

That is something that you should not print.... I mean my gawd... mothers already have ways to play these little games of figuring out ways of finding out what they want....


But to funny..... That was a good one for mom... And yes... chalk one up for her....

[Major Payne]

Some great jokes so far. here's one for the geeks :


Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger

*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet

*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused

*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive

*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened

*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB

*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside

*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside

*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside

*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside

*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?

*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.

Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

Ron

[Lusi]

Resident Blonde, I am one of THOSE moms!


Omy gosh Major...

*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

Gads, I have to go back tomorrow and clean a friends computer that I did just about two weeks ago...this is what I am hearing already. LOL

[Resident_Blonde]

The Big Sale



A young guy from Kentucky moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything under one roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Kentucky."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did on
your first day."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him over to the automotive department and sold him the Ford
4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife
and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Major Payne]

Resident_Blonde : Very few jokes make me actually laugh out loud...yours did. Thanks for making my day.

Here's some famous quotes otherwise known as "Brain Cramps" :

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a [bleep], and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Have a nice day...Ron

[bdlt]

This may not make anyone laugh but here goes:

It was 70 degrees today in San Diego, with a 75 degree wind chill factor(credit to Dan K)

ps. don't try to buy property here - the wind chill is awesome

[imabrickwall]

I don't get it.