[Adrenalin]

YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:


You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".


You call a traffic light a "robot".


You call an elevator a "lift"


You call a hood a "bonnet"


You call a trunk a "boot"


You call a pickup truck a "bakkie"


You call a Barbeque a "Braai"


The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.


The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just
finished watching.


You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.


You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any.


You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no
idea what it means in any of them.


You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.


You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes
simultaneously.


You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange Free State .


You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by
a traffic officer.


You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.


You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.


When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least I'm still alive".


You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number of people in one trip.


You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.


You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee


To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.


More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.


People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty,
Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given,
Patience, Portion, Coronation.


"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a minute to a month.


You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make
way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.


Travelling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.


You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car
parked where you left it.


A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes.


The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and
toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.


You paint your car's registration on the roof.


You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a
government hospital.


You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.


Prisoners go on strike.


You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.


You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.


Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is
too high.

You consider a high crime rate as normal.


You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA.

VIVA !!!!!

[Advertisements]

Thanks for the updates/reminders! Do i feel homesick? I dont think so!
You forgot my favorite:Sooryyy Baaaaas,i broke iit !
Thanks again Adrenalin



A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[zorba the geek]

Thanks for the updates/reminders! Do i feel homesick? I dont think so!
You forgot my favorite:Sooryyy Baaaaas,i broke iit !
Thanks again Adrenalin



A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[Chopin]

Two golf jokes



Two golfers are talking.

The first golfer says to his buddy, "Hey, try this ball! It's impossible to lose. If you hit it too far away, it beeps, and if it goes underwater it bubbles." The second golfer says, "That's amazing! Where did you get it?" First golfer: "I found it."

=====

A young man and an old man are playing golf together. Their scores are even, and as they move onto the ninth green, they see a pine tree at least 300 ft tall. The old man says "When I was your age, I could hit the ball WAAAY over the tree!" Not to be outdone, the young man swings and hits the top of the tree; the ball bounces back and hits him on the head.

The old man proceeds to elaborate. "Of course, when I was your age, the tree was only four feet tall."

[zorba the geek]

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"



Fredil

[frantique]

[zorba the geek]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[Chopin]

zorba

A man fears his wife may have a hearing disorder. So he goes to a doctor, and says, "Doc, what should I do?" The doctor says "Talk to her in a regular tone of voice from 40 feet away. If she doesn't hear you, go to 30 feet, then 20, etc." The man decides to try it out. He sits on the couch while his wife is making dinner, judging that it's about 40 feet away.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

He moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

He goes into the kitchen. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

Finally, he goes up 5 feet away from his wife. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, BOB, IT'S CHICKEN!!!

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no
idea what it means in any of them.

I can sing the Canadian national anthem in French, and I know only dimly what the heck it's talking about.

Edited by Fredil Yupigo, 15 January 2008 - 08:59 PM.

[dsenette]

I can sing the Canadian national anthem in French, and I know only dimly what the heck it's talking about.

hehe it's not that complex...it's about canada

[Adrenalin]

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no
idea what it means in any of them.

Problem is, ours is about 4 languages in one anthem :/ so stupid.

[zorba the geek]

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no
idea what it means in any of them.

Problem is, ours is about 4 languages in one anthem :/ so stupid.

Sikelele africa




Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to the hot place . After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try the hot place first."

So Bill went to the hot place. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is the hot place, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as the hot place.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer the hot place," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to the hot place.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in the hot place. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the hot place I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.



Btw:Fredil,you're getting better by the day.BRAVISIMO

Edited by zorba the geek, 16 January 2008 - 09:52 AM.

[Chopin]

*Fredil Yupigo thought it was the screensaver

A guy walks into a bar. After a couple of drinks, he sees two identical squirrels eating out of a bowl of nuts, and he's pretty sure they weren't there before. "Hey, where'd you two come from?" he asks.

In reply, he hears "Wow, you ARE drunk. There's only one of me."

*Fredil Yupigo is humbled by zorba's comment

Edited by Fredil Yupigo, 17 January 2008 - 10:36 AM.

[frantique]

Oh, Fredil, I laughed so much at your joke ..... only thing is, you didn't quite tell it right
Maybe it would come out better if you added an extra word:

A guy walks into a bar.
After a couple of drinks, he sees two identical squirrels eating out of a bowl of nuts, and he's pretty sure they weren't there before.
"Hey, where'd you two come from?" he asks.
In reply, he hears "Wow, you ARE drunk. There's only one of me."

Don't worry Fredil you've got good teachers here

[zorba the geek]

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."


"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

[Chopin]

Nice one

Thanks fran, edited

[zorba the geek]

Children's Answers to Science Exam Questions
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.