[Unknownevil]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Job well done...

[Advertisements]

Well done and well said, Unknownevil. Anything about Mico$oft like this is great. Problem is...it may be true!


The Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house on the street, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I really could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me to paint the porch?"

The blonde quickly responded, " Well, how about $50?" The man agreed quickly and told her that the paint and equipment she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said sarcastically to her husband, "Does that woman realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "Now, sweetheart, aren't you being a bit cynical?" The wife replied, "You're right. Sorry. I guess I was starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting in our e-mail lately." They both laughed heartily together and settled down to watch some television.

A very short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money for the painting job. "You're finished already?!" the husband asked, totally amazed. "Yes," the blonde replied," and guess what? I even had paint left over, so I gave it two more coats."

Totally impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, throwing in an extra $10 for a tip.





"Oh, and by the way, Mister," the blonde added as she was walking away, "it's NOT a Porch, it's a Lexus."


My apologies to Resident_Blode

Ron

[Major Payne]

Well done and well said, Unknownevil. Anything about Mico$oft like this is great. Problem is...it may be true!


The Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house on the street, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I really could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me to paint the porch?"

The blonde quickly responded, " Well, how about $50?" The man agreed quickly and told her that the paint and equipment she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said sarcastically to her husband, "Does that woman realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "Now, sweetheart, aren't you being a bit cynical?" The wife replied, "You're right. Sorry. I guess I was starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting in our e-mail lately." They both laughed heartily together and settled down to watch some television.

A very short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money for the painting job. "You're finished already?!" the husband asked, totally amazed. "Yes," the blonde replied," and guess what? I even had paint left over, so I gave it two more coats."

Totally impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, throwing in an extra $10 for a tip.





"Oh, and by the way, Mister," the blonde added as she was walking away, "it's NOT a Porch, it's a Lexus."


My apologies to Resident_Blode

Ron

[Jye]

2 kerrymen

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

.......walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes
over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the
budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to
drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand
place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the
cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal,
Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n
dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too
and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never
trying dat parrotshooting either!"


IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper
bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine. Once
more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his
budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. and now Sean Og and his fook'n
hengliding!"








class joke .... enjoy.. some good jokes on here too

Edited by Jye, 27 April 2005 - 05:40 PM.

[admin]

We're quickly losing our PG rating.

Great jokes, and enjoy reading them, but please remember this is a family forum accessible by all.

[peterm]

Clean Joke ? must be it came from my mum

[removed]

Sorry, your mum is corrupting you!

Don't make me close this thread.

Edited by admin, 27 April 2005 - 09:25 PM.

[Resident_Blonde]

New guage on my truck

[Resident_Blonde]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked.

Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

[Major Payne]

You did it again, Resident_Blonde!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[fleamailman]

Has anyone seen some interesting T shirts with nice logos such as the clasic one of Adolf Hitler with wording underneath "european tour 1940-45" or " I am a vergin but this is a old T shirt", some bandits with words"Welcome to Brasil", anyway let me know.

[NormaJBaker2000]

A rabbi and a priest are talking about religion. The rabbi asks the priest "the boys in your religion, what can they be?" the priest replied "well....they can be alter-boys." The rabbi thought about this and then asked "ok, then after that, what can they become?" The priest thought about it then replied "well after that, I guess they can become a priest." The rabbi asked "and after that? After they become a priest, then what can they become?" The priest said "after they become a priest then I guess they could become a bishop." The rabbi then asked "ok, but after a bishop then what can they become?" The priest was getting slightly frustrated at this and replied shortly "after a bishop, they can become a cardinal I guess!" The rabbi says "yeah, yeah but after that, what can they become?" The now annoyed priest replies "the pope. After they become a cardinal I guess they could be elected to pope!!" The rabbi then says "yeah but after pope, then what can they become?" The priest was so ticked at this point he said "what do you mean 'after the pope'? What do you want them to become?...God??" The rabbi smiled and replied "why not? One of our boys did it"

[Major Payne]

For all the golfers out there and their patient, loving wives...

In a Hurry for Golf

Paul and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Paul said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one [bleep] of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--Paul is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

Paul turned to Barbara and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the
doctor which tooth hurts."

Ron

[Resident_Blonde]

Christian Humor....




1.) A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


2.) While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust." ========


I really liked #2

[Resident_Blonde]

Subject: Dentist




A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't." she replied

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the ta! nk, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.




lol