[KRG Lightning 15]

Ill eat the cake part but not the fruit i just pick it all out and give it to my sis. So i like cakefruit (cake with not fruit at all)

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LOL

[eriol8]

LOL

[caitlin2r1]

Thank you so much, I needed that...you have made my day..I was in the kitchen, after I had read the joke, while I'm doing dishes, I just started to giggle, the thought of that poor boy, sitting at the very table with the pharmacist/the father..just kills me. Thanks for the giggles. Hope your day is filled with giggles, too.

[zorba the geek]

French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Robin Hood]

Hahaha nice joke! That makes my day!

[Hello71]

How to speed your [Vista] computer up:

Step 1: Boot in DOS mode.
Step 2: Type in "format C:"
Step 3: Install Windows XP.

[Chopin]

In Windows 98, you can actually format C: if you're running an OS from the C: drive. Don't try it - I guarantee that it works, and it's not pretty.

[zorba the geek]

Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."



It Hurts

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Edited by zorba the geek, 08 February 2010 - 04:01 PM.

[dsenette]

In Windows 98, you can actually format C: if you're running an OS from the C: drive. Don't try it - I guarantee that it works, and it's not pretty.

you can also simply delete all of the contents of C with a deltree command in a batch file..then reboot the computer. i've also heard that you can distribute such a batch to an entire computer science class in highschool and convince everyone in the room that it's the answers to the quiz later in the class.....or so i'm told

[Strontium Dog]

A man calls round to his friend's house as he hadn't seen him for a while.
After being invited in the guy is ushered into the living room where he notices a foot tall man playing a piano in the corner of the room. "That's unusual", he says, pointing at the small fella across the room.
"Yes", says his friend, "he was granted as a wish by a genie I released from a bottle I found on the beach one morning."
Seeing an opportunity, the man asks if he can also make a wish.
"Sure", says his friend, "go for it. But be careful, the genie's a bit hard of hearing."
So the bottle is fetched and the cork is removed, releasing the genie. "What is your wish, master?" the genie asks.
"I'd like 50,000 pounds", says the genie's new master.
Immediately, 50,000 clowns appear in the garden, on the stairs, in the kitchen, on the roof and down the drive to the road where they disappear into the distance. "I asked for 50,000 pounds, not 50,000 clowns", he wails.
"I told you he was hard of hearing", his friend exclaims, "do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"


Thank you. I'm here all week.

Edited by Strontium Dog, 02 March 2010 - 03:50 PM.

[zorba the geek]

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

OSX Air:

You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing"

Windows Vista Airlines:

You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively say "Allow".

After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

[frantique]

Two very old fellas, Harry and Jack, play golf every Saturday morning ... only nine holes because that's about all they can handle.

Harry's about to head off one Saturday and his wife instructs him to be home by 1.00 pm because they're having guests for lunch. Off he goes, promising to be home in time for the luncheon.

Comes 1.00pm and no Harry. 2.00pm and still no Harry. Harry's wife is furious and serves up the lunch to the guests. 3.00pm and still no Harry. All the guests leave at 4.00 and Harry walks into the house around 4.30pm. Well, his wife really gives it to him ... she's yelling and calling him irresponsible, uncaring and lots of other things and then notices he is sitting very still and looking very tired. So she asks him what happened that made him completely miss the lunch.

Harry's head is hanging low and he slowly shakes it from side to side as he tells her that as he and Jack got to the first hole and were about to tee off, Jack had a heart attack and died.

Harry's wife is shocked and feels very guilty about yelling at him. She tells him she is sorry and that it must havae upset him losing his friend like that, especially as he is looking so weary and forlorn.

It's not that, Harry says ... I am just so knackered, it was so hard ... hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack. I could hardly putt on the ninth green, I just didn't have any energy left.

[zorba the geek]

YAHOOOOOO!
My soulmate is back

Welcome back frantique,we all missed you
cheers
zorba

[frantique]

Aw...gees... thanks Zorba

A panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital.

The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some of the "idiots" in administration.

[zorba the geek]

How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.