[Major Payne]

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
-- David Frost

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Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
-- Ray Romano

[Major Payne]

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
-- Ray Romano

[Major Payne]

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
-- Billy Connolly

[Major Payne]

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
-- Kathy Lette

[Major Payne]

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob Hope

[Major Payne]

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

[Major Payne]

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
-- George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979)

[Major Payne]

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom

[Major Payne]

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
-- Mike Tyson

[Major Payne]

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.
-- Sir Cliff Richard

[Major Payne]

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
-- John Mendoza

[Major Payne]

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
-- Carrie Fisher

[Major Payne]

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
-- Robert Quillen

[Major Payne]

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
-- Geoffrey Parfitt

[Major Payne]

There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it.
-- Patrick Moore