When, I'm alone sometimes I tend drift off and contemplate death and futility - I can try not to think about it by conjuring up flimsy convictions such as "I have plenty of time left", "In the future I'd probably be more comfortable about this" and "I shouldn't be thinking about this now"
But when I truly delve deep into this issue, I have near panic attacks - No experience, no sense; nothing. This prospect truly terrifies me, a timer that is counting down to an event that is truly inevitable. I feel at these times it is futile - all this effort to learn and achieve will be useless. Any impact I have will be negligible. It is the thought that future will bring new things - learning, knowledge that keeps me motivated. For now, I try to think about the future but not the future as far as death.
This has been pure self-indulgence.
Hmmmm...
Once there was a man in a vast wilderness; he was lost but thanks to the compass, he soon found himself going in the right direction again. Little did he know there was an oasis just about two miles up ahead of him. As he walked along, in the distance a mirage appeared; the man's mouth watered at the sight of fresh water. He hadn't had a drink in hours; fixing his eyes upon the mirage, he ran toward it. He ended up running in the wrong direction and for three hours, he found himself chasing a mirage. He stopped; what a waste of precious time! Not only was he out of the way but he was thirsty as ever! Pulling out his compass, he followed its direction and three and a half hours later, found himself at the oasis and drinking from its refreshing spring.
So what's the point of the story?
Well, the point is this; the illusions that can be found in life distract us from the real reason for our existence. In your case, the illusion is the vain hope that by distracting yourself, you can delay the inevitable. There is hope though; for the opposite of distracting yourself from the notion of death and dying is to desperately search out the purpose for living. Now, how do we know there is a purpose for living? Well, one cannot escape the fact that life has purpose--whether you make one up for it or not. Why, even Richard Dawkins teaches that the purpose of purpose is that there is none (thereby creating his own purpose)!
Whether you make up your own purpose for living or not, the fact remains; life has purpose--and it is the duty of all of us to find it. When you find it, it should bring you peace, contentment, and true happiness--things that the possessions of life cannot give you.
It is the unknown that most of us fear. We don't know what's in store for us after we die. We don't know where we're going and if there's really an immortal soul within us that'll go somewhere.
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