[HarryMay]

After creating Eve,God told her to look into the lake at the reflection so she could see how beautiful she was.Indeed she was,except she had three breasts.God,she whispered,in all your wisdom you have made me perfect except that the third breast is not neccessary as I wont be suckling a litter every year.You are right,my dear God said,as he removed the extra breast.God thought long and hard as to how not to waste what he had made,in this case an extra boob.So that my friends is why God decided to create Adam.

[Advertisements]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says... Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

[tampabelle]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says... Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

[tampabelle]

Wife : Honey ..... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ..??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


On a weekend morning a man gets up, smells funny cooking, walks to kitchen
to find out the new potential dish. He was amazed to see that his wife was
cooking his stinking sock in the frying pan.
.
So softly and trying to figure out, he asked an angry looking wife, “Honey
what are you cooking for me?
.
"I am doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed late,
dead drunk from your friends," she replied with a stern face.
.
The husband started scratching his head thinking, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock! ... but, Oh, no.... I did!"

[HarryMay]

knock knock
who's there?
Boo,
Boo who-
don't cry it's just a stupid knock knock joke.



war's don't decide who's right,they decide who's left.

[tampabelle]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[HarryMay]

3 old geezers are sittin round the geriatrics ward one day complaining.The first one says,every morn. I try and try to have a movement but it just doesn't work out til i see the nurse.The second codger says every morn. he gets up w/a full bladder and try as he might nothing happens til he too sees the nurse.Then the third old dude says that every morn. at 6 he has a nice long movement and then at 7 he totally relieves his bladder,only problem tho is he wakes up at eight thirty.

[tampabelle]

WONDERFUL DEFINITIONS OF PROJECT MANAGEMENT


Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

[tampabelle]

Best Women to Marry

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
---------
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
--------
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
--------
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right"

[Major Payne]

Remembering Hollywood Squares

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Hope some of you remember the show and people.

Ron

[Major Payne]

Dumb Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -- but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

[Major Payne]

Multiple Meanings

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP ! our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP! the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll! wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so..........Time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P

[Resident_Blonde]

Cowboy genie


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.

Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."
What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

[Major Payne]

For the ladies :

Facts about Men

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

[Armodeluxe]

0 to 200 in 4 seconds

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas

[Resident_Blonde]

Nun's Buns


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"...

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:



GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED!
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER