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Joke of the Day


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#166
wes-o

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What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?


Hide and seek champion of 1978
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#167
dsenette

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PRICELESS ...

This could happen to you ...


On an airport stopover, I stepped into the men's room.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

Now, I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question,
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I answer assertively,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions
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#168
Dragon

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Youth vs. Maturity!(PG)

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench
and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours; Green, Red,
Purple, Blue,
and Yellow. The old man just stared and stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man
finally said
sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in
your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock.
I was wondering if you were my son."
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#169
HarryMay

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This isn't a joke but rather a brainteaser
How many people in how many days that are employed by HP will it finally take
to send the 7 wrong system recovery discs needed to boot up,when in fact all
that was needed was 1 recovery console disc?not stumped by that one? How much will best buy charge to let you know the computer you bought from is in great shape? Try as you might,but there will never be a correct answer to either of these. :tazz: ;) :)
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#170
tampabelle

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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying [bleep] told you I was speeding, too!"
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#171
HarryMay

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Two friends walk out of a bar and look up into the sky.The first one says "what a lovely "full moon tonite"."that's not the moon The second guy says,that's the sun".They wait a while outside the bar pondering over this dillemma when a third guy steps out."hey buddy,says one of the drunks,is that the moon or the sun"?
I dunno says the third guy,I'm not from around here.
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#172
Pete^2

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Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel.
As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “We don’t have any condoms. I''ll call room service.”
So he calls and asks for condoms.
The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''''

''''No thanks,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''

:tazz:
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#173
joeieandshelle

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Hiya

HOw did you get your moving animatied picture up on your profile thing?
Where abouts did you get it from and how do you do it?
Thanks
Shelle
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#174
Armodeluxe

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The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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#175
Major Payne

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Children's Vision...

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
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#176
HarryMay

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The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

View Post

Did your sister get the letter from the clinic yet?
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#177
HarryMay

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Why did the rooster cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken :tazz:
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#178
Major Payne

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Goldfish...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
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#179
HarryMay

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as the pope was leaving town the other day he asked his driver if he might let him drive,as he rarely gets the chance too.Why not, the driver thought,I'll get in back and he can drive me to the airport this time.The pope,not being such a good driver was speeding,swerving running stopsigns and basically driving like h*ll on wheels.About this time a cop sees him and flashes his lights for his holiness to pull over.The cop strolls to the car just as the pope rolls down the window,seeing the pope the cop goes back to his car to radio the chief."uh,sir"the cop says,I've just pulled someone over for wreckless driving and I think you'd better come handle this yourself."Who could it be"the sarge says that would make you want me to come all the way downtown for a measley ticket?How important is this guy anyway?"I don't know sir,but he's got the pope driving for him.
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#180
Major Payne

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The Talkative Parrot

Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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