Joke of the Day
Posted 31 May 2005 - 11:51 AM
Posted 31 May 2005 - 02:10 PM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a##hole is usually in charge !!
Edited by jasper the rasper, 31 May 2005 - 02:11 PM.
Posted 31 May 2005 - 02:11 PM
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire
him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy,"
and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,"How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he
picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came
along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
and a turd, which makes one hundred.....
So, when I start???
Posted 03 June 2005 - 05:18 PM
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black
Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-spam bikers,
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off, or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
The man replied, "Just a couple minutes ago"
Posted 03 June 2005 - 06:11 PM
It would be a teethbrush otherweise.
My dad was taking us kids to disneyland a few years back and when he saw the sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT" he turned around.
My second grade teacher handed out an assignment for us all to look up our ancestory over one weekend.....turns out I'm half Italian and half postman,ha ha.
I wouldn't say my brother is dumb but he was talking about how great this new niteclub was,how the management thought of everything....including having breathmints in the water fountains inside the restrooms.
Posted 05 June 2005 - 05:31 PM
Posted 07 June 2005 - 01:55 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Posted 13 June 2005 - 09:35 AM
Posted 14 June 2005 - 02:19 AM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next 3 hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got 2 chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the 2 chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
My apologies to Resident_Blonde
Edited by Major Payne, 15 June 2005 - 10:55 AM.
Posted 15 June 2005 - 07:16 AM
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped, and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast
Posted 15 June 2005 - 11:03 AM
For the veterans :
The Snake Model
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech
snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Thanks for being there guys. You know who you are.
Posted 16 June 2005 - 08:28 PM
Edited by admin, 16 June 2005 - 11:06 PM.
Posted 18 June 2005 - 09:39 PM
sry, no offense
okay, okay: A man walks into the bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket, adn orders another drink. He sits awhile, drinking his strong alchoholic beverage, and looks in his pocket. After 5 more drinks, the bartender gets curious. He asks, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The guy answers "Well, thers as picture of my wife. I go home when she starts lookin' good to me"
another one: A man quickly rushes into a bar. "Quick! gimme a drink, before the trouble starts!" HE nevously gulps down his drink. "Gimme another drink, before the trouble starts!" HE drinks it, this time more slowly. After 4 drinks, He exclaims again "Gimme another drink! BEfore the trouble starts!" NOw, the all-curious bartender asks, "PLease, sir, but when does the trouble start?", to which the drunk answers: "The trouble starts, man, when you figur out i don' hav any money!"
Posted 18 June 2005 - 09:43 PM
Anyways, heres a clean one:
A man walks into a bar, and says ouch!
ahahahahhAHH! get it? a bar? A BAR????
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