[Wolfeymole]

A woman gets back from the doctors and her husband asks; "Did you talk about your big fat arse?".

She replies; "No Darling you were not mentioned whatsoever".

[Advertisements]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods.

"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[DonnaB]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods.

"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[BHowett]

[DonnaB]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do. She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said:"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said:"I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. It was a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought:"This is what you sent to help me?" However, she was desperate. She was also very thankful!

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said:"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said: "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said:"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied:"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft.

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud: "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

[Alzeimer]

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[DonnaB]

Oh my. Never saw that coming!

[DonnaB]

And the jokes on you, so says he:

Quote of the day:

“I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and I am the owner of Microsoft.”
― Bill Gates

[Alzeimer]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[DonnaB]

Daddy makes perfect pony tail.

[DonnaB]

Feral cats can be such a nuisance!

[Wolfeymole]

Irish marine archaeologists investigating the remains of the Titanic were amazed to find that the swimming pool was still full.

[Alzeimer]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

[BHowett]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[DonnaB]

at that guy above me

You've heard about all the Tech support Darwin award winners, here are a few from an airport ticket agent in D.C. which caters to many politicians (I removed the names):


1. A client had asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)


2. One call came in from a Congressman's staffer, who wanted airline tickets to go to Capetown. When explained the length of the flight and the passport information, the client interrupted by saying, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts...."

Without trying to make him look stupid, it was calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa". His response -- click.


3. A senior Congressman called, furious about a Florida package he paid for. He was asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. It was explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. A call came in from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" The ticket agent said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. A Congresswoman called the ticket agent. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m, and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.


8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"


9. A recent call came in from a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them."


10. A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"


11. A Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that
she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A Congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo do you?"

The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Edited by DonnaB, 07 August 2013 - 08:15 PM.

[DonnaB]

A few years ago I was hired to replace a retiring veteran in IT, and on his last day, he handed me 3 envelopes. I asked about these and he told me that when things got crazy and I didnt know what to do, open the first envelope and it would help me out. Then he said that after a while I would run into another bind and for me to open the 2nd envelope for guidance. He then told me that I would no doubt encounter another crisis and for me to open the 3rd envelope when that happened.

So a few months down the road a situation came up and I was clueless so I opened the first envelope. It simply said, " Tell them you are still new to the position and it takes time to build your own footprint in this business but you are almost there." I did this and to my amazement it bought me some relief from upper management. A few months later, I again had things go haywire and opened the 2nd envelope. It simply said, " Blame everything on me. Tell them I had gotten soft in my execution and it must be the reason for my retirement." I felt bad to do this but he suggested it so I did and it worked amazingly well.

Finally a good bit of time passed and I again ran into a bind and just didnt know what to do and opened the final envelope. I slumped in my chair as it said: "Prepare 3 envelopes."