[DonnaB]

Ooops! My bad! I see you spend more time in this thread than I do!

[Advertisements]

Ooops! My bad! I see you spend more time in this thread than I do!

I sure do.

[BHowett]

Ooops! My bad! I see you spend more time in this thread than I do!

I sure do.

[DonnaB]

God arrives and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their wives on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their wives. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

The next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their wives, there was only one man.

God was angry and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replied “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

[Alzeimer]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[BHowett]

lets make sure were keeping it clean, this is a family forum.

[DonnaB]

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

[DonnaB]

Bob,a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a$20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,"I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "So did I, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[DonnaB]

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

[DonnaB]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

[BHowett]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.

[zafrani7]

Hey, I did not expected the punch line answer!
I laughed a lot, it is a great joke, thks for sharing.

[DonnaB]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband..."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old..



Men tend to forget, fairies are female.....

[DonnaB]

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

[DonnaB]

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”

[DonnaB]

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."