[Major Payne]

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

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Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-- Harry Hill

[Major Payne]

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-- Harry Hill

[Major Payne]

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
-- Harry Hill

[Major Payne]

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot.
-- Edgar Bergen

[Major Payne]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
-- Anonymous

[Major Payne]

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
-- Les Dawson

[Major Payne]

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[Major Payne]

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

[Major Payne]

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
-- Henry Youngman

[Major Payne]

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-- Les Dawson

[Major Payne]

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-- Henry Youngman

[Major Payne]

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- Unknown

[Major Payne]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
-- Ellen DeGeneres