[Major Payne]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the h_ _ _ she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

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Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
-- Mike Wilmot

[Major Payne]

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
-- Mike Wilmot

[Major Payne]

When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...
-- Robert Paul

[Major Payne]

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips

[Major Payne]

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
-- Eric Morecambe

[Major Payne]

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
-- Spike Milligan

[Major Payne]

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
-- W.C. Fields

[Major Payne]

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
-- Tim Vine

[Major Payne]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-- Tim Vine

[Major Payne]

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
-- Tim Vine

[Major Payne]

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
-- Tommy Cooper

[Major Payne]

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters