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Joke of the Day


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#481
hfcg

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Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the Lookout !

There's absolutely no cause for Alarm.
This is just to prepare you for the Event.


I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
Cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."



IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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#482
zorba the geek

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Bricklayer's Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.




Btw:Very funny frantique :) :)
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#483
frantique

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:) :) :) that's a good one Zorba :)
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#484
zorba the geek

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ELMO FACTORY WORKER

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
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#485
frantique

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A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Dr. to discuss the problem. The Dr. told him there was a simple informal test the husband could do, to give the Dr. a better idea about her hearing loss.

The Dr. said ... "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in normal conversational voice see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response."

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He decides he's about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens. In a normal tone he asks .., "Honey, what's for dinner?" No
response.

He moves to within 30 feet. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he's about 20 feet from his wife ... "Honey, what's for dinner? Again, no response.

He walks to the kitchen door, about 10 feet, and asks ..."Honey, what's for dinner? No response. He walks into the kitchen and stands right behind her ..."Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th. time, CHICKEN!"
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#486
zorba the geek

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box,gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday!
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#487
frantique

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Dear Walter at the advice desk:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and
the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in
front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel
shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked
him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please
help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber. I hope this helps.
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#488
zorba the geek

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Great :) :)




PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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#489
AgentMES

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Edit: To remove comment

Edited by frantique, 13 January 2008 - 07:31 AM.

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#490
frantique

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All forums are family friendly. What do you feel is unsuitable?
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#491
AgentMES

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Edit: To remove comments

Edited by frantique, 13 January 2008 - 07:32 AM.

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#492
frantique

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It is OK Agent. It's not a 'naughty' joke ... I think it's actually quite cute :) You don't have to worry about helping to keep the forum "foul free" - that's part of the duties of the Mods, Global Mods and Admins. I realise you're feeling a fierce loyalty right now and that can be better served by helping out wherever you can and doing your very best in your studies in GeekU.
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#493
AgentMES

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okay...... (i'm sorry i'll stick to training).

Edited by AgentMES, 12 January 2008 - 03:05 PM.

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#494
zorba the geek

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Edit: Zorba I have removed this joke as it appears to be offensive to a younger member. Please be aware, however, that it does not violate our TOU. Please be careful regarding jokes that could be regarded by some as distasteful.



frantique,no problem!Next time I'll make sure they're washed twice

Edited by zorba the geek, 13 January 2008 - 10:28 AM.

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#495
AgentMES

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Sorry Zorba I just don't think that is funny. :)
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