[Major Payne]

Email to a friend A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"

"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
-- Milton Berle

[Advertisements]

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
-- Woody Allen (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)

[Major Payne]

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
-- Woody Allen (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)

[Major Payne]

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.
-- Scott Roeben

[Major Payne]

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
-- Winston Spear

[Major Payne]

There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar.
-- Geoffrey Parfitt

[Major Payne]

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.
-- Sam Ewing (Mar 1999, The Sun)

[Major Payne]

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-- Steven Wright

[Major Payne]

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

[Major Payne]

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.
-- Scott Roeben

[Major Payne]

Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
-- Andy Waits

[Major Payne]

I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.
-- Jim Loy

[Major Payne]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

[Major Payne]

Last Christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment...
-- Robert Paul

[Major Payne]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-- Ronnie Corbett

[Major Payne]

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
-- Frank Carson