[cheyenne 09]

YOU KNOW YOUR A GEEK WHEN.......


You look at a movie trailer and think," I have that font, "

You know you are a geek when you set up an automatic rerouting of your E mail to your pager.

You are a geek when you get a sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic feelings when thinking about your
Long-lost old commodore 64, sinclair ZX-81 TRS-80 (or whatever hardware you were raised on ) and use large amounts of money / time trying to track onedown.

You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made out of steel.

You realise you never cook, eating only takeaway pizza.

You check your web access-page more than once aday.

You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer, ( not the brand mind you, but the actual computer it self )

You have more E-mail addressess than you do pair's of shoes.

You get depressed when you get less than 10 E-mails MSGS a day.

You already know what you want to write both master's paper's and your dissertation about, and you just Graduated from collage.

You can disscuss the philosophical and physical differences among the Tangos.

You plan to get two master degrees.

You start getting paranoid you aren't getting all your E-mail ( if you have sent me E-mail, and there seems to be no life from me, Try again, ) someone asks you what languages you know. and you reply upper slavic, French, Esperanto.

You are on the obscure software and computer Junk mailing lists.

You can explain how Apple Talk network works sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably linked.

You arrange to get E-mail access no matter where you go WAIS is your life.

You walk past a con and people know who you are.

You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood for fires.

You hear the word " scuzzy " and the first thing you think of is not an adjective.

You went to high school where the only team with a winning record was the Chess team.

You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really basic tasks.

You know about USENET cultures in groups you don't even read.

You put your pathfinder on the web.

You really get excited when people from countries with Limited access to the " net " are frequent vistors to your pages.

You don't hand in final papers unless they've been formatted on a desktop publishing program.

You write web pages about your web pages.

You favourite part of goeometry was proving theorems you've ever contemplated collecting graters.

You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.

You'll spend a long time customizing a computer you'll use for one day to the absolute pinacle of comfort, but you won't bother to spend two hours sewing a skirt, and wear the thing sarong style.

You do your best work after 11 P.M

You work in a building where you need a badge to move between floors.

You calculate the odds of getting one of the primo parking spaces in relation to your apartment, factoring in time, weather, seasons, Etc and are accurate 80 % of the time.

You can count the number of moderately good Hacker / computer dude, type movies on one hand, ( I promised not to froth at the mouth when i went to go see the net_____i failed miserably ).

You've bought one of those licence plate holder's on which you have your URL or E-mail address computer shopper.

You can track the geek gene through your family tree.

You froth at the mouth when someone talks about the " Information superhighway ".

You are a member of the usenet elite, invoked in posts in threads to which you have not posted.

You can sing Tom L ehrer's element song, not only is your computer in the centre of your room, it;s set up so as to allow netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.

You arrange your jobs so you can telecommute.

You organise your CD'S so the tops all face face upward, alphabetically, or by record label ( if you do more than one of these, you are a Geek.

You spend a lot of time figuring out which of 100 Adult goldfish are the most fertile, have the strongest genes, and combined to produce the tiny little goldfish.

You carry 88 MB removable cartridge to and from work.

You can sing " smooth rider " from Grease 2 , if you do the hand movements while singing .

You should get out more.

You plot to get your Grandmother on E-mail.

You've ever contempleted devoting a web page to World News Now.

Edited by cheyenne 09, 27 September 2006 - 02:48 AM.

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Scottish Jokes

Q: The nurse burst into the doctor's office.
" Dr. MacDonald ! " she yelled, " you just gave a clean bill of health to Sandy McKay and...he dropped dead outside the door."

A: The canny doctor leaped into action.
" Quick, " he said, " we've got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in."


Q: The clerk of the Highland hotel said: " Would you like a room with running water ? "
A: With a nasty frown the inebriated Scot replied, " What do I look like, a trout ? "


Q: At his wife's insistence. Sandy bought a home on a hilltop in a very exclusive part of the Highlands.
" I'll bet there is quite a view from way up there, " said his friend enviously.
A: " Yes, " replied Sandy, " on a clear day you can see the bank that holds the mortgage."

Q: Lady McLeod was looking after the small son of a friend.
" Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Hamish " she asked.

A: " Oh, yes, thank you, " said the child politely. " I've often had it this tough at home."

Q: A traveler was marooned in an isolated Highland village because of a landslide caused by heavy rain, which was still falling in torrents after three days. Looking out of the window of the restaurant, he said to the waitress. " This is like the flood." " The what ? "

A:" The flood. Surely you have heard about the great flood and Noah and the Ark."
" Mister, " she replied. " I haven't seen a newspaper for four days."


Q: Wife: " Don't you think dear, that a man has more sense after he is married ?
A: " Husband: " Yes, Fiona, but it's too late then. "

Q: Tourist - " This seems like a very dangerous cliff. It's a wonder they don't put up a warning sign."
Sandy

A: " Yes, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over,
.. so it was taken down."




Q: The Highland minister was debating with an elder who doubted the miracle of divine chastisement " Let me tell you of a remarkable occurrence," the minister said. " In this morning's paper, there was an article about a politician who was struck by lighting while he was lying. Miraculous incident wasn't it ? "

A: " I don't know now, " the elder replied. " It would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn't lying."

Q: Mrs. MacGregor was standing in her kitchen with her friend, Mrs. MacLeod. She looked out the window and pointed at the neighbor's wash hanging on the clothesline and said to her friend, " Just look at that wash. It sure looks dirty. Look at all those gray streaks on her laundry."

A: Mrs. MacLeod replied swiftly, " Those streaks aren't on your neighbor's wash - they're on your window."

Q: Mac: " I say old man, do you think could you lend me one dollar Old Sandy:
" I'm a little deaf in that ear; go around to the other one."
Mac: " Could you lend me 5 dollars ?

A: " Old Sandy: " I think you'd better go back to the one dollar ear. "

Q:The prosecution and defense had both presented their final arguments in a case involving a Highlander accused of operating an illegal still. The judge turned to the jury and asked, " Before giving you your instructions, do any of you have any questions ? "

A:" Yes, Your Honor, " replied one of the jurors. " Did the defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and at what point does he add the yeast ? "

Q: Two Scots were traveling on a motorcycle through windy Glencoe. When it became to breezy for one of the Scots, he stopped and put his overcoat on backward to keep the wind from ballooning it away from him. A few miles further down the glen, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the reversed coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he said to the policeman standing nearby, " What happened ?

A: " Well, " the young policeman replied, " one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened out, he was dead too."

Q: Donald: " Do you serve breakfast here ? "
Waitress " Yes, what would you like
Donald:" Lumpy porridge and some burnt toast." Waitress: " Whatever you say sir."
Donald:" Now, are you doing anything while that's being made ? "

A: Waitress:" Why - no, sir."
Donald:" Then sit here and nag me a while. I'm homesick !

Edited by cheyenne 09, 28 September 2006 - 03:20 PM.

[cheyenne 09]

Scottish Jokes

Q: The nurse burst into the doctor's office.
" Dr. MacDonald ! " she yelled, " you just gave a clean bill of health to Sandy McKay and...he dropped dead outside the door."

A: The canny doctor leaped into action.
" Quick, " he said, " we've got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in."


Q: The clerk of the Highland hotel said: " Would you like a room with running water ? "
A: With a nasty frown the inebriated Scot replied, " What do I look like, a trout ? "


Q: At his wife's insistence. Sandy bought a home on a hilltop in a very exclusive part of the Highlands.
" I'll bet there is quite a view from way up there, " said his friend enviously.
A: " Yes, " replied Sandy, " on a clear day you can see the bank that holds the mortgage."

Q: Lady McLeod was looking after the small son of a friend.
" Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Hamish " she asked.

A: " Oh, yes, thank you, " said the child politely. " I've often had it this tough at home."

Q: A traveler was marooned in an isolated Highland village because of a landslide caused by heavy rain, which was still falling in torrents after three days. Looking out of the window of the restaurant, he said to the waitress. " This is like the flood." " The what ? "

A:" The flood. Surely you have heard about the great flood and Noah and the Ark."
" Mister, " she replied. " I haven't seen a newspaper for four days."


Q: Wife: " Don't you think dear, that a man has more sense after he is married ?
A: " Husband: " Yes, Fiona, but it's too late then. "

Q: Tourist - " This seems like a very dangerous cliff. It's a wonder they don't put up a warning sign."
Sandy

A: " Yes, it is dangerous, but they kept a warning sign up for two years and no one fell over,
.. so it was taken down."




Q: The Highland minister was debating with an elder who doubted the miracle of divine chastisement " Let me tell you of a remarkable occurrence," the minister said. " In this morning's paper, there was an article about a politician who was struck by lighting while he was lying. Miraculous incident wasn't it ? "

A: " I don't know now, " the elder replied. " It would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn't lying."

Q: Mrs. MacGregor was standing in her kitchen with her friend, Mrs. MacLeod. She looked out the window and pointed at the neighbor's wash hanging on the clothesline and said to her friend, " Just look at that wash. It sure looks dirty. Look at all those gray streaks on her laundry."

A: Mrs. MacLeod replied swiftly, " Those streaks aren't on your neighbor's wash - they're on your window."

Q: Mac: " I say old man, do you think could you lend me one dollar Old Sandy:
" I'm a little deaf in that ear; go around to the other one."
Mac: " Could you lend me 5 dollars ?

A: " Old Sandy: " I think you'd better go back to the one dollar ear. "

Q:The prosecution and defense had both presented their final arguments in a case involving a Highlander accused of operating an illegal still. The judge turned to the jury and asked, " Before giving you your instructions, do any of you have any questions ? "

A:" Yes, Your Honor, " replied one of the jurors. " Did the defendant boil the malt one or two hours, does he cool it quickly, and at what point does he add the yeast ? "

Q: Two Scots were traveling on a motorcycle through windy Glencoe. When it became to breezy for one of the Scots, he stopped and put his overcoat on backward to keep the wind from ballooning it away from him. A few miles further down the glen, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the reversed coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he said to the policeman standing nearby, " What happened ?

A: " Well, " the young policeman replied, " one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened out, he was dead too."

Q: Donald: " Do you serve breakfast here ? "
Waitress " Yes, what would you like
Donald:" Lumpy porridge and some burnt toast." Waitress: " Whatever you say sir."
Donald:" Now, are you doing anything while that's being made ? "

A: Waitress:" Why - no, sir."
Donald:" Then sit here and nag me a while. I'm homesick !

Edited by cheyenne 09, 28 September 2006 - 03:20 PM.

[cheyenne 09]

IRISH JOKE'S

An American tourist in County Kerry

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse.
The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars... anyway..."


Murphy Wins the Irish Sweepstakes

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.

Murphy said, "Where are we now?"

The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."

"It's a big place," said Murphy.

The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."

And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for.... Texas!"


An American and an Irishman

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.

Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea.
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site.
When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."



Irish Telephones

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered.

After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

[-David-]

*D_Trojanator loves Irish jokes!

[Jazza]

Installing XP.
Microsoft:

YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

*****yes!******

OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.

Just get on with it.

ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.

Groan.

THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.

Problems? What problems?

THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.

But I'm using it at this very moment.

THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.

All that?

YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.

Well what *DOES* work?

THE MOUSE.

The mouse?

YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.

I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.

YES YOU DO.

No I don't.

WHAT'S THAT THEN?

It's a 3 1/2 drive.

NO IT ISN'T.

Yes it is.

YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.

Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?

Well it is mine.

NO IT ISN'T.

It bloody well is.

NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.

But why?

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........

C:\>

[frantique]

WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Here is one person's reply:

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a [bleep] turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a S---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't
care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now
that I'm retired.

It's important at my age!

[dsenette]

Double Bunking
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own [bleep] blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[frantique]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[frantique]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets
down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to
find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he
can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down.
The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen -
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
turns and walks away. For years after the man often remembers and
ponders the events of that day ...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man
can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively
over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up
to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps
its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth
along the railing, instantly killing him.



Probably not the same elephant then.

[dsenette]

is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus...or just a really cool opotamus?

[frantique]

A selection of "What do you call"s:

What do you call a man driving a truck?
Laurie

What do you call a girl who gambles?
Betty

What do you call a girl standing between two posts?
Annette

What do you call a man wearing tatty clothes?
Fred Bare

What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?
Bridget

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug

What do you call a girl with only one trouser leg?
Jean

What do you call a man who's a talented painter?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating out at sea?
Bob

What do you call a camel with no humps?
A horse

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lilly

What do you call a man in a plastic coat?
Mac

What TV crimefighter was bald and wobbly?
Jelly Savalas

What do you call a man with no spade on his head?
Douglas

What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward

What's green and holds up stagecoaches?
Dick Gherkin

Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her phone bill?
Bernadette

Who was full of hay and conquered Mongolia?
Genghis Barn

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man who's always around when you need him?
Andy

What do you call a woman who can balance a pint on top of her head?
Beatrix

Which Elizabethan explorer stops wheels going round?
Sir Francis Brake

Which cyclist defeated the Spanish Armada?
Sir Francis Trike

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a lady in the distance?
Dot

Which famous mystery writer was smoky bacon flavoured?
Agatha Crispy

Which famous detective writer was white and lacy?
Sir Arthur Conan Doily

What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What did the cannibal say when he met the famous explorer?
'Doctor Livingstone, I consume?"

What do you call a rock singer with a vegetable plot on her head?
Tina Turnip

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
Warren

[cheyenne 09]

The Ten Top Rules of Santa Claus

1. Always be polite and kind.
2. Be Nice not Naughty.
3. Remember to tell your Family you love them.
4. Give what you can for Christmas.
5. Be home for Christmas if you can.
6. Christmas is a Family Holiday Remember to call Family and other loved ones.
7. Have Fun with your Kids and Family.
8. Remember your Elderly Neighbours as they might not have anyone to check on them.
9. Be Happy and have a magical Christmas.
10. Remember to Leave out the Milk and Cookies and the Carrot for Rudolph Red-Nosed Reindeer



Christmas Jokes

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," Answered the prisoner.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

What do you have in December that you don't have in any
other month? The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
Flash BBBBBANG

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

Edited by cheyenne 09, 12 December 2006 - 10:33 AM.

[duley3]

My 10 year old Daughter told this to me... I thought it was funny, you may not...

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

DSO

DSO who?

Are you DSO who took my bike?



(say the letters DSO quick sounds like something else)

[duley3]

I hope this isn't over the line... the family line that is... delete it if it is...

DON'T Name your Dog ???????



Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more [bleep] troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

[cheyenne 09]

New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day,
my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important
the football games on television, or the dinner itself.
To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family,
and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation but Sneakily watched the game on my Mobil phone and my wife was Clueless to this then i retired to the family room to turn on the game. Great
several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Edited by cheyenne 09, 01 January 2007 - 05:58 AM.