[cheyenne 09]

Attainable New Year's Resolutions
This year, I resolve to...

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Spend more time at work, surfing the net

7. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

8. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Not have eight children at once.

11. Get in a whole NEW rut!

12. Start being superstitious.

13. Personal goal: bring back disco.

14. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

15. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

16. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

17. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

18. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

19. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

20. Not eat cloned meat.

21. Create loose ends.

22 Get more toys.

23. Get further in debt.

24. Not believe politicians.

25. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

26. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

27. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

28. Stay off the International Space Station.

29. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

30 Associate with even worse business clients.

31. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

32. Wait around for opportunity.

33. Focus on the faults of others.

34 Mope about my faults.

35. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

[Advertisements]

NEW YEAR GEEK RESOLUTIONS

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A Geek

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... If I Remember

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. as offten as Possible

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

[cheyenne 09]

NEW YEAR GEEK RESOLUTIONS

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A Geek

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... If I Remember

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. as offten as Possible

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

[frantique]

Computing Joke

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red- faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

[dsenette]

hehe...nice...i used to do something similar with the net send command at the hospital i used to work for....i had alot of people on the phone with tech support....the sad thing was...they had no idea what was going on either....hehe i'd send some messages...they'd turn the pc off...i'd send some more (why did you turn me off? don't you like me?)...they'd call tech support....support would come upstairs and format the pc...never failed..

[frantique]

Funny .... when I posted this I thought to myself .... this sounds like something the monkey would do!

[frantique]

I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[cheyenne 09]

Airplane Joke's


Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.


Thanks for Flying

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"


A military cargo plane

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"



Military Control Tower

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."


Nervous Flyer

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned overand said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[cheyenne 09]

In-flight humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as [bleep] everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[frantique]

Sanity

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Shock Box]

try some of these i thought they would fit in


The Top 10 Geek T-Shirt Slogans

1. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2. <-------- The information went data way

3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.

4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

10. Go ahead, make my data!


Computer Age Sayings

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this list, you forward it to a friend!


Geek Speak

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes over everything and then leaves

Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get hooked at the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-[bleep] comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.


Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

1) The only chip inside is a Dorito.


Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

WWW - World Wide Wait

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


Windows 95 Error Codes

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001
Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr: 002
No Error - Yet

WinErr: 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr: 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused

WinErr: 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

WinErr: 009
Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened

WinErr: 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

WinErr: 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB

WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

WinErr: 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr: 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr: 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?

WinErr: 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

WinErr: 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

WinErr: 01F
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

WinErr: 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available


shock box


Sorry about that but i didn't read all of the jokes before i posted but i will be much more careful in future

Edited by Shock Box, 01 March 2007 - 03:54 PM.

[frantique]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs to be washed.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC. --

[happyrock]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, and her
tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am
butit's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in
the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.


I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Edited by happyrck, 04 March 2007 - 08:36 AM.

[cheyenne 09]

Beware of Car Sales men


Buyers Beware! Here I give you the true meanings behind them:

MUST SELL
...Before it blows up/ Disintegrates/ The law catches on/ The repo man comes.


Great Runner
...I was going to say "Runs excellent" but I had a last-minute Attack of Conscience.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
...was 'Slightly' Damaged by a 40 Truck.

WELL-MAINTAINED
...I changed the oil occasionally, or Every Three Year's

LOOKS LIKE NEW
... Just Don't Try To Drive It Anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL
...I Never had Anything Fixed, or Adjusted, or Replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS
... Each One More Trouble than The Last.

NEVER SMOKED IN
... Unfortunately, That's The Best Thing I Can Say About it.

PROJECT CAR
... Doesn't Run Just for Show.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL
...Looks Great But Doesn't Run.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
... Bodywork Wheels Windows Tyres No it Doesn't Run.

Edited by cheyenne 09, 03 March 2007 - 01:49 PM.

[frantique]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right bloody
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an idiot!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic "idiot calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He
yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an idiot!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for
that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his
number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW idiot, too
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he
said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My
name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you
something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an idiot!" Then I hung up, and added
his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call. Then I came up
with an idea. I called Idiot #1. "Hello." "You're an idiot!" (But I
didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop
calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you
live?" "Idiot, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,
with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right
now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah,
like I'm really scared, idiot," and hung up.

Then I called Idiot #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, idiot," I said. He
yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, idiot, here's
your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately
called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and
that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called
Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
time to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works...

[cheyenne 09]

Police Joke's

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they retired to bed for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later "Holmes" awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson" look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson" replied I see millions and millions of stars. What does that tell you? " Holmes" questioned Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horology I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically I can see that god is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Methodologically I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? "Holmes" was silent for a minute then spoke. "Watson" you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.


Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting.
At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.
"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."



In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".


When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." Shes great at attracting Fresh Seafood.